|
Storming The Gates Of Hell before/after
Let's storm the Gates of Hell,
and set the sinners free.
If you had to storm the Gates of Hell, who would you bring?
Lets assume that everyone on the planet, past or present are available and willing. And God has handpicked YOU for this mission:
Go to Hell, and get the souls out of there, however you can, to take to the Almighty for His Divine pleasure.
Lets say you can only have five on your team. Ten, maybe on the outside. Its for the church, and they're on a shoestring budget. And you can't take Jesus. He's done his thing, and gets to sit this one out. That's too easy and too complicated at the same time.
(Doesn't it seem odd that the Church owes its existance in part to Hell, or the concept of Hell? No Hell, and you'd have no modern day Church, as it now exists.)
The knee jerk reaction is, of course, to get the A-Team. But after this fades and reality sets in, who really would you bring?
Well, you need to cross the River Styx, and that entails dealing with Charon, the boatman whom the dead pay a silver coin to cross the River of Forgetfullness..
(man in the boat?)
He's all about greed and boating so, I'd have to take Mel Fisher (famed treasure hunter) , who is also all about greed and boating. Mel could pay off Charon in gold dubloons, silver coins, and failing that, pilot the boat himself. With all that these two have in common, I imagine they'd get along famously.
Then you'd have to deal with Cerebrus, the Hound of Hell, so I'd need someone who was good with animals.
Jack Hannah's out, because he's dumb. Listen to the fucker. He's a moron.
So I'll opt for Steve Irwin, the Crocidile Hunter. He's the man for the job with the universe on the line.
"Loohkit this graeht three headed beautahy! Crikey! Looohkit those fangs! Oww! Owww! Ahhhhh!" No, no, I'm sure steve would do a fine job.
So we've got that figured out.
Next is the gates. Big heavy fuckers. Adamantite or some shit. Marked the fuck up. I'll need someone strong. Someone tough to throw these gates open.
Is Lou Ferrigno still alive? Scratch that...too short, even though he was the Incredible Hulk.
Got it. Magnus Ver Magnusson, from the World's Strongest Man competitions on ESPN and the Deuce (espn 2).
You know, the show where they have those idiots lumber 8 cylinder engine blocks around, lift reeeeaaaalllly heavy stones, and pull fire engines and shit. Yeah, that dude. He always wins. Rooiiiiiddds.
So I've got the Gates of Hell covered. What next?
I'm assuming I'll be swarmed by demons at some point, before anything else happens.
So who?
At first I thought of the two Rangers who died in Mogadishu that held off the opposing enemy forces for eight hours, while surrounded with no back up. Held off one hundred guys, just the two of them. They qualify as tough.
Then I thought of Jet-Li or Chou Young Fat.
But I'll have to go with my gut instinct and say Bruce Lee. Sure, you've seen him in the movies, but he was a bad-ass in real life, too. That's how he made it to the movies. Designed his own fighting style, which is still taught today.
So Bruce is saddled with demon-duty. Its okay. I think he'd like it. Tough little bastard.
So we've tamed the Hound of Hell, battered down the Gates of Hell, and thrashed the demonic minions.
Someone has to deal with Satan.
Satan was the first Angel, loved before all the rest, the most beautiful of them all. And I imagine Lucifer, should such a thing exist, would definitely be beyond the scope of such simple things like intimidation. He's Satan fer cryin' out loud. He invented intimidation.
So we have a couple of venues. I thought of Orpheus, to tame the savage heart, but he didn't really exist. Then I though of Shakespeare, to beguile him with flowery words and tricky phrases. But evidence seems to be mounting to say that he didn't write many, if any of the plays to his credit, and I don't want to take the risk of it being true, when the fate of the universe is at stake.
I can turn a phrase quite well, but my hands will be full with logistics and the organization of the mission.
No, we need a specialist.
Let me think, let me think...
Got it: Don King. That fucker could swindle the Devil himself.
What a team of all-star sideshows. Steve Irwin, Mel Fisher, Magnus Ver Magnusson, Bruce Lee, and Don King conquering Hell with me. Try and pack that one into your head. I know I have trouble wrapping my mind around the concept.
This is who I'd bring with me to turn Hell upside down, and free all the sinners.
(And if Steve Irwin somehow survives the challenge, I'd kick him over the side of the boat into the River Styx on the way back. That fucker just annoys the living hell out of me sometimes.)
|
