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Complacency before/after
I have been simply existing for a little while now.
Taking up space.
Not really happy, nor sad. I've just been...being. Almost a zen sort of thing, if zen involves work, excercise, guitar playing, television, masturbation and sleep.
Which it may. I have my own theories on zen.
There are a few odds and ends in there that I've neglected to mention, but so what.
So, I'll save the other stuff for some other time. What I need to do now is some here and now processing. Figure this out. Try to understand.
I feel...fuck, I really don't know how I feel.
Its almost numb, but it feels like a balancing act to stay that way. The sameness, the routine, the stability and relative safety keep me grounded. Balanced from the extremes.
I'm not up, nor down. I just feel like...I am.
I remember awhile ago I wanted stability and things to settle down for me. Ostensibly so I could catch up, re-arrange or whatever.
I've done a little bit of that. I haven't gone all the way through with it, though. Still some short term temporal things to do, relative to the master plan.
So is this relative stability and complacency happiness?
I suppose that would depend on my personal definition of happiness, and according to that, no, it really isn't. Its not unhappy, though.
Hmmm.
Its like I've been reticient to delve into the depths of my subconcious.
Also, I've been highly adverse to reaching out to anyone. Uncaring if I do inadvertantly.
And I've been completely uncaring whether or not anyone reaches out to me. Wanting more than usual to be alone.
I don't think this is a bad thing. Perhaps I need to recognize a lull when I see one and appreciate it.
I think I want this to last for a little while. Eventually, as the plan unfolds things will fly, anyway. Might as well appreciate it while its here.
I'll be okay.
Promise.
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