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What Dreams May Come before/after
I have nightmares all night long, every night.
I am blase' to the whole affair, although, I will wake up with some serious confusion from time to time.
Sometimes I won't know where I am, or what day it is, or what time.
I always know who I am, and that is strangely reassuring.
Last night I woke to some confusion. I laid down for a nap, and must have caught some deep sleep.
I roused, and looked at the clock.
7:18...Damn. Late for work again.
This is getting out of hand.
Fuck.
Wait-a-minute...that's 7:18 PM.
And last night I had doozies of nightmares, enough to make wake in a cold sweat. One was about some asshole roomates I had in college one summer. This did not make me wake in a cold sweat.
Probably spurred on by anxiety of leaving two blank checks for Roomie to fill out for bills.I KNOW he won't rip me off, but at the same time, I never feel safe with deals like that. On the other hand, he has more at stake than I should he piss me off, and he knows that I can be a ruthless bastardwhen I want to be.
Anyway, in the dream we had an excellent beach house, these sphincters n' I, right next to an amusement park.We walked to the park, and they had a Saw Dust Pit Special running. You and the person next to you can go into the saw dust pit, fight for five minutes, no holds barred, and the loser pays for both tickets.
Sounds like a hell of a deal to me.
Nobody would fight me, though.:(
So we fuck around in the park, and parking lot, boozing it up, breaking shit, and I'm feeling its just wrong this time around, not participating. We meander back to the pad, they wreaking havoc along the way like freshmen in college marching back from the parties, frustrated 'cause all the upperclassmen got the girls again, when the police swooped in, tazered and handcuffed one of my old roomates, the 'Roid Freak.
I broke away, and sprinted to the pad, when the police surrounded it with cars, SWAT teams, and a helicopter. And I slumped to my bed, in my glass walled bedroom next to the glass walls of the lanai, thinking, "What the Fuck....?"
The police pounded on the glass walls, and racked their weapons ready, and I woke up.
I wasn't particularly bothered, because I didn't really like the 'Roid Freak anyway.
I am at the "I do not give a fuck" stage of Piaget's stages of development. Just trying to share.
The Restlessness is on me.
I have been feeling aggressive and restless, which always seems to coincide with the New Moon. I do not know why, probably owing to hormonal cycles. I'd rather get this way with the full moon, because there is more illumination for my bad craziness. I feel like I will fight or fuck anything that gets in my way...which doesn't necessarily sound bad, but can often lead to danger, as I tend to roam quite a bit.
However, I hope I may have passed the peak of the Restlessness since I resolutely Don't Give A Fuck today. I guess I will find out one way or the other tonight. I should have some more sensimilla, though, and this will help.
I stand to see Becky, the girl from the Skylark a few weeks ago, finally. She's throwing a party. Rumor has it that she has either broken up with her boyfriend, or is in that awkaward state of indecision. Either way, I simply want to meet the girl who had the courage to approach me. She can sort out her shit on her own. Because I Don't Give A Fuck.
I figure it may be good karma to see her, plus I'm still intrigued. But on the other hand, I am feeling a definite lack of progress in finding the Right Girl.
As I have grown, my illusions have been stripped away.
I still believe in True Love, and Love at First Sight, its just that the illusion of hope is gone. I keep my eyes open, but I don't hold my breath. Its like having a small candle on the verge of going out, and you are trying to light a thick assed dubee from it. (light...c'mon...light you fucker)
And, now I find myself doubting that the Right Girl exists for a torrid 6 month fling. All I seem to meet are selfish, uncreative, uninspired creatures who simply have their eye out for the shrewdest deal to their pleasing, the best looking guy, or the wealthiest, or the guy with all the right connections. They seem to be uninterested in friendship and passion, faking their way until it seems real, clawing at the back that will win them the envy of their friends or buy them something nice.
It would knock my socks off to find a girl who was interested in me, and not my physicality. The double eged saw bieng that usually when they find out I'm freak smart (144 IQ), it scares them more than my brutishness ever would.
I have learned to conceal that over the years. And old mentor of mine once said early on in our association,"I just realized, you're a smart motherfucker, you just play it smooth."
I learned to play shallow, too. My favorite example is talking to a table of girls at the bar, claiming I should quit smoking 'cause its so bad for me, then turning around and saying something like, "I wish they would just make them healthy." To which they readily agree, but then, that just may be because they thought I was cute. Well, I have to amuse myself somehow.
As much bullshit as girls lay on about finding a guy who is funny and smart, they never want to date a guy who is smarter than they.
Indeed.
I long for a pretty girl with a warped sense of humor and measure of confidence, who can provide some good conversation...about nothing, really. Doesn't matter. I love people for who they are. Just be true to yourself.
Fuckin' good luck. Phony assed mufukas abound.
I should stop trying to change the world, and accept it as it is.
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