Saturday:

The reception, the ultimate mac-move of the century, and facing old fears.

So I sauntered into the reception. Not having sent my RSVP, it appeared as if there was no place for me to eat.

I meandered and worked the room a bit. I have a large personality (when I wish to be extroverted) and can fill/work a room like the best of 'em.

Talked to several friends. One high-school acquaintance who apparently had "beef" with me from years and years ago even remarked,"...damn...like a rockstar."

Whatever the hell that means. I talk to people, and want no one to be able to say I was too much of a snob to talk to them. There is no mystery in working a room.

And they watched me. Close friends. Old classmates. They did their well worn routine of talking to each other and no one else, and simply watched me move about the room, person to person. One conversation at a time. No hurry. No embarassment or condescention. Good humor.

I ended up next to the head of the wedding party table, making jokes and conversation. I was the absolute last person to eat, and, as I said before I had no place to sit.

I looked about for a spot, and found one in the bride's family 'section', next to what appeared to be a kindly slip of a little old lady.

And this leads me to the ultimate mac-move of the century.

Providing therapy and counseling in all sorts of situations and locations the two years I did that, has enabled me to enter strange stiuations and talk to just about anybody.

So I introduce myself, sit, and break the ice with her. She's a sweetheart. We start to talk about children, and then her family, pulling various members aside. She is , after all, the matriarch of the bride's family. We got along quite well.

And then, who sits down beside her, but her grand-daughter Kim, the girl with whom I am currently smitten. She has a look of pure awe on her face, that not only have I talked to her grandma' before her, but that I am a hell of a guy enough that not only does her grandma like me, she's also pushing Kim off on me.

Say what you like, but I currently believe that I have a piece of this gorgeous young girls' heart, probably for quite some time. The ultimate mac-move of the century.

We tried talking to each other, but it was slow. I think the admiration is mutual, because her sentences just trailed off and she just stared at me with a look of pure awe. I feel like I could look at her the rest of my life. Its like she's my mirror. We kinda' just looked at each other, with doey looks on our faces.

We'll see how it goes. I may never see her again. But this is okay, because really, how much more perfect can it get?

I began working the room again.

The old classmate of mine who apparently still had some stored up feelings of conflict towards me said hi, and shook my hand, thus officially settling 'our beef'. Whatever. If you feel better, fine. But I really think it says more about his neuroses than anything.

Got pulled outside to smoke a hooter and sample some of Juan Valdez' other fine Columbian products.

Came back in, and got shown more love by old friends. Played more eye contact games with Kim, who got excited with flush cheeks after we'd meet eyes. I gazed and couldn't help myself every time she was near me, not looking away.

Her sister (the bride) even caught me. This is a good thing that could work to my advantage as well, in the long run. Because, if it happens, will be one helluva seduction. And I will absolutely be the greatest guy she's ever known. Or I may never see her again, but its nice to have options ...

As I sat with a friend, just ruminating and making eyes with Kim, her boyfriend sits down at my table. After what seemed to be no prompting whatsoever, he launches into a diatribe of her family. About how its fucked up, who's fucked up and why, and that the whole family is pretty much fucked.

He's well into his cups, and way out of his depth at my table.

His whole diatribe pisses me off, because the bride is a friend of mine, I like her grandma', and I have far ranging plans about seducing his girlfriend so I can look at her for the rest of my life.

And, the anger showed on my face, in one of my harbitten looks. Glaring eyes that are cool, calculated, painful death. Body posture that says you are about to get hit. Clenched jaw stuck forward.

He glanced up at me in mid comment, thinking that I was with him laughing, and got rattled by me. He fumbled with his ciggarrette, and missed his mouth several times with a shaky hand. The bride and her sister saw, also, I believe, but I may be wrong about this. My attention was on this pissant.

But not wanting to cause problems, I left other battles for later days, inadvertantly leaving my marijuana for the clean-up crew in a ciggarrette pack in the smoking/ bar area.

I don't drink nearly as much as I used to, and probably will never again, but open bars are fun.

I went over to my friends house, and several people gathered there after the reception. We smoked a lot of grass, and I lost my motivation to go to the bar. Used my Gilligan's Island entry in conversation.

My head still reeling from the night, I went for a drive out to the dike. Its this narrow, man-made penninsula through some wetlands out into Lake Huron. I always seemed to end up here at the new moon, when the restless time is on me.

It is a vulnerable point. A place you would envision serial killers would lurk, to snatch the unwary where no one could hear them scream.

I usually end up with a flash of anxiety. And once again, feeling this, I had to face my fears, as I always do. I had to walk to he end of this fucker, the payoff being towfold. The facing of fears, and the lush surroundings around the dike. An affirmation of life.

I made it out there. I was awed by the view of the milky way and all her stars. I thought it all symbolic of coming home, facing fears, in the pitiless void of the universe. The impermanence of it all. The split second of recorded history that is one's lifetime, and all the possible influence that life may possess, really are nothing in the end.

And with what are we left, to bulwark against these meaningless days. This purposeful existance of no report?

All we have is love.

Next time you are at an airport, or a train-station, or anyplace where the people will hustle and bustle, look around. Scan the faces about you, as people scurry to and fro, caught in their little lives, brimming with hatred, jealousy, apathy, joy or malaise. Look at all the different faces and bodies. All the different little existances. Look at them all, and realize that they are all bound together by love.

All of us. Its how we survive.

I laughed and shook my head, thinking how lucky I was. And looking around, I saw that the lake levels were horribly low, with muck and sand abounding. Filth.

And all I could do was feel grateful for how lucky I am.

With my head spinning, my emotions on overload, my body full of debauchery, and my toes tucked under a blanket, I drifted off to sleep with visions of the lovely Kim and her straight brown hair, blue eyes, full lips, and succulently tanned body in my head.

Maybe I was smitten with her. Maybe I'm just in love with life.

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