Jesus Takes On Hell
2007-08-20 - 9:33 p.m.

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Last night I dreamed I was Jesus.

And Jesus was on the run from various dark forces.

As Jesus, I crawled through an air-vent at the bottom of the floor and inflitrated Hell, something that these dark forces were intent on stopping.  As Jesus, though, i was taking the fight to them, and spreading my message.

(before I could spread my message, lustfulness nearly diverted my attention, as before I tried to crawl into the air vent at the bottom of the floor, I somewhat-accidentally-but-not-really-accidentally crawled like an army  soldier into a woman's bathroom wherein she was taking a shower.  She had really nice large breasts with small nipples, and seemed rather glad to see me.  However, Jesus had more important things to do, and couldn't allow himself to be distracted from his mission so easily.  He had to take the fight to them.  He had to overcome such baseness and simplicity.  It would take more than a pair of perfect breasts to thwart him.  The sin of lust will not prevail.)

So, as Jesus, I infiltrated the depths of Hell, which resembled a crowded conference room in the back of a crowded generic mall store.

They noticed me, the people in the conference room noticed me as I re-entered the conference room from the shop.  I was detected!

They all had eyes that were yellow-green and vaguely reptillian.

As they started to swarm and totter towards and around me, I took the fight to them.

I forgave them.

I forgave them in the most hostile way I've ever seen, though, much like at the end of Star Trek V, when Spock's half-brother asked the alien intelligence to 'show him his pain'.

I layed on hands.

Laying on hands, on the face and shoulder, I would say in a commanding tone "ACCEPT MY FORGIVENESS", and they would be suffused in a white light, dropping to the floor like rag-dolls.  Their eyes would change from a reptellian color back to a human appearance, and they would lapse into a quiet state of bliss.

Still, they crowded around me.

"ACCEPT MY FORGIVENESS!"  I bellowed again and again.

"Wait until Satan shows up...have you guys seen Satan...where is Satan?"  they asked eachother in a confusion, unsure where the arch-devil was, as if they'd never seen him.  Which they hadn't, it was clear.  Maybe he didn't exist.  Maybe his best trick yet.

But then, I didn't believe in Satan, either.   People have bad ideas all on their own.  Forgive them, they know not what they do.

"ACCEPT MY FORGIVENESS!"  I bellowed.  Another soul laid out, and then standing back up in front of me.

And on they came, until I got a sense that the mission was accomplished, and it was time to go.

So I cast a Harry Potter spell of invisibility.  And that worked, but I could not get through the crowd of the remaining reptillians to get to the air-vent at the bottom of the wall to get out!

Then I cast another Harry Potter spell to render myself intangible, and I passed through the conference room tables and desks with ease.  

However, on the way I brushed through a reptillian!  They knew where I was!  They wanted to stop what I was doing and sound the alarm!

"STUN"  I whispered and off of my lips it lept like a combination of an electric shock and sonic boom.  Everyone in the room was suspended into silence.

Then I crawled through the vent at the bottom of the floor to escape Hell.

Hell very well could be the banality of the mall or of a meaningless existence.

Making my escape successfully, I woke up, rolled over and saw Audrey slumbering quietly in the early morning light.  

She looked beautiful.  

Like an angel.  I was happy to see her.  

And I rolled over and drifted slowly back off into dreamless sleep.