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Testing the Waters
2007-08-14 - 2:58 a.m.
before/after
strangely
non-functional guestbook
testing the water
"I probably shouldn't tell you this.." Dan began in his sqwuaky voice.
"Oh?" I replied, arching an eyebrow, my interest piqued. It
was after midnight at a dive bar. Dan had been drinking, and the
talk had moved towards his "girls".
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It had started innocently enough. I had given him some salubrious
praise for getting paid to get laid by a girl he was seeing. A
few plaudits for a job well done. I have had a few opportunities
to take cash for services rendered, but always refused feeling that the
sex was payment enough. He basked in his glory.
"Yeah, I'm datin' two girls." he said, "But...they're gettin'...up there."
This was when Dan revealed that both of his "girls" we're over the half-century mark.
"TIME FIGHTERS!" I exclaimed.
He laughed.
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"Well, those older chicks...they all go CRAZY for me...they see me...a young guy..."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, those girls, my aunt...gropin all over me at the funeral...my other aunt-"
"-Who grabbed your package." I interjected.
"Yeah, her."
"That's not sex, that's child molestation."
I left the 'incestual' part out. He was young when she grabbed his package.
Its safe to say that Dan's family is really fucked up.
"Yeah."
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"And they really know how to DO it. No fuckin' around, no small
talk. This one, she can really give head, I mean the whole
deal....deep throat, swallowing...she goes right AT it."
He made a repetitive thrusting motion with his hand.
"Ok..."
"I probably shouldn't be telling you this-"
"No, its cool..."
"I told my other friend, and he was like 'TMI, DUDE, TMI!!"
"Well, whatever..."
He really wanted to tell the story. That should have been my
first warning. Dan's stories have a tendency to never end
anywhere pleasant. He enjoys spreading disgust, even if he ends
up being the butt of his own disclosure.
"We were doin' it...she was on top of me, 69'ing."
"Ok."
"And she was GOING at it, just GOING at it..."
"Ok..."
"Anyway, she thrust at it one time too hard..."
Here he put his hand in his face, looked away and laughed. Which
should have been my second warning. Out on the dance floor,
extremely obese women in tight, tight clothing shook it on the dance
floor. Bad crossover country music blared from large black
speakers. Time slowed to a crawl.
"...and she GAGGED. She GAGGED really hard...and...and...she SHIT ALL OVER ME!!!"
He broke into cackles of laughter. I stood there in shock.
"She shit on my face! All over!!!" he cackled again.
"Oh my god." I paused, " I have to ask...was it...a link or-"
"NO, it was liqui-diarehha!"
I laughed in horror and amusement.
"WHAT DID YOU DO!?"
"I threw her off and went to the bathroom. There was a moment
when I looked in the mirror, and was like 'what the fuck am I DOING."
Of course, every guy has had that moment in his life, that moment when
he has crossed some threshold of indignity or immorality with a girl,
and decide what to do next, be it decent or depraved. Dan seems
to have had that moment more than others. And routinely failed.
"I mean, it was all over, on my face, on my chest, in my mouth..."
Waves of revulsion enveloped me.
"What is it with girls and shit with me?" he asked.
He was referring to the time a girl got up from sex with him, took a
shit, didn't wipe all that well, and came back to bed expecting him to
go down on her.
"Then I went back to the room, and she didn't say NOTHIN'!"
He, of course, consumated the evening, then drove home.
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"Later, on IM she was all like "oh, sorry for my ACCIDENT. Is that why you're not talking to me?"
"Maybe you should have told her that it was because she shit all over you."
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"So I guess it was just an accident." He offered in her defense.
"Like she's a time fighter and lost control of her bowels?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"I don't know, man. I"ve gagged before pretty badly and never shat myself."
"Yeah."
"Sounds like she was just testing the water, seeing how you'd respond."
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