I've tried too many times

The pain's too much for me to bear.

-me Euthanasia Blues (c)

Something happened a couple of nights ago. It was raining. A nice cool thunderstorm, with booming crashes and the patter of rain on the pavement.

I was smoking down, alone in my home, and playing guitar on my porch, a nice melancholy blues to float through the evening, matched with a hyperkinetic riff. The tension between the sixteenth notes and the plodding rhythm made it sweet for me.

And I thought of what had happened five minutes ago.

I was thinking about depression, and that the major problem with depression wasn't the pain, or the sadness, or anything at all related to emotion.

the problem with depression is there is no bottom. A person keeps crashing through one perceived bottom to the next, free falling and picking up steam becasue there is no stopping, until the Final Downpoint.

Called for help,

But no one came,

I want to die,

Just to escape the pain.

-me Euthanasia Blues (c)

If a depressed person could have a sense that, sure this was bad, this sucks, but this was about it, that life kinda' fluctuates on a continuum, that there was a sense of a bottom, then a lot of suicide and life wasting could be avoided.

If only, If only, If only.

And I sat for a moment, not really thinking, or doing much of anything but smoking, and I felt something.

Something visceral, and so powerful it almost felt physical.

It felt like there was a belt around my heart that finally got cinched up, and pulled my heart together.

Like it was healed from being broken so many times.

And the wonderful thing was, this...just...happened.

Bearing no relation to anyone else, or anything else. Because the fatal flaw for so many is waiting for someone else to make things all right for them, and when that person diappoints or leaves, well the mystical cure is no more, and they are Fucked with a capital 'F'.

I felt strong. Confident. Powerful.

Whole.

And I've pretty much felt good ever since. Whatever happend, however I healed, it "took".

I wish that feeling for anyone who has ever nursed a battered heart and soul.

And then one night,

The Angel came.

First thing I said was,

"Where the hell you been?"

-me Euthanasia Blues (c)