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Confessions of a Scapegoat pts:8&9 before/after Confessions of a Scapegoat parts 8&9: Saying Goodbye So yesterday I gave Mom and Dad directions to the Suicide Memorial Benches and Statues up at Lake Dillon. I didn't think they'd go, and of course, didn't tell them about the memorial, just the veiw. When they got back, they loved the spot. Then I told them the story behind the statue. It was as though a cloud passed over them, and I felt bad. "I wish you hadn't told me that," mom said. So I made something to eat and went over to my Brother's, where he was making a meal, rented "Smokey & the Bandit" and were set to play cards with the 'rents. Showed up, told some jokes, and brother's fiance was treating me as though I was her "bitch". Finally figured out this is a big part of why I loathe her prescence. It came up after my folks left, after insulting me all evening, she speculateed that she and my Brother were the "Alpha's" because they were first born. That's how she looks at things. So apparently, she think's it her place in my family dynamic to tell me what to do, for me to curry to her favor, and for me to be submissive to her. Let me say this right now: anyone who knows me, knows that I am not submissive. To anyone. So she can fuck off and die. She's manipulative, fake, and wants me to submit to this. I am actually starting to hate her, as she tries to warp the family dynamic against me. Last night, she actually had the temerity to attempt to turn my mom against me. It was a pasta meal, some of the weird stuff they like to eat. I was glad to have eaten some steak before-hand. She insulted me through-out the meal. Subtly. Constantly. Goading me into lashing out, so I lose face, and she gains some pre-eminence. I fucking hate her. We started playing cards, and promptly lost the first game, me and my brother versus she and my Dad. She cheated the whole time. And talking shit. I can't play cards with people who cheat. It defeats the whole purpose of playing in the first place. The second game brother and I got up early. She was still cheating, and talking shit. Finally I snapped after catching her cheating for the umpteenth time. Caught red handed trying to steal my deal, she tried to lie her way out of it. me: "You fucking lied!" she:"What?" me: "You fucking lied!" she:"I-I..." me:"You fucking lied!" she(to my mom)"Is this how your son speaks to women? Is this how he treats women? I have never been so insulted!" me:"What, you're trying to turn my own mother against me?" she:"Its not hard." Everyone knew she had, cheated, lied and been caught, and her ploy was naked, but given the rules of hospitality, it made for a sticky spot. The 'rents played peacemaker. Then I caught her dealing from the bottom of the deck, and I called her on it. She mocked being angry. I directed the conversation back to the prior. me:"So, lets go back to where you tried to turn my mother against me." she:"What do you want to know?" me:"I was wondering if you'd care to elaborate." she:"Ohh..I was just talking shit." Fine. Fuck You. We won the game, and the week long series was left tied. Mom and Dad left early, claiming tiredness, but likely because of the tension of the situation. They felt the tension from my brother, who'd been snapping all night long at everyone, but seeing as I think Dad went to apologize to my brother's fiance later, due to my behavior, I think I got scapegoated, once again. After the folks left, my Borther and I smoked down. He started babbling and over-analyzing everything they did and said. It amazes me that he does this, to this extent. I just assume mom and dad love me and have a decent opinion of me. We've talked about it in the past, and its settled. They love me, and hold a decent opinion of me. I just assume, I guess, but assume in a good manner. Secure, I suppose is another way to put it. I definitely don't worry about it. But he does, apparently, and this is the difference. He tries to pick up subtle messages out of everything they say and do. My relationship with them seems to be more relaxed and informal. So we started to jam, I needed to emote after the turbulent emotions I had just gone through. I don't ever lay a hand on a woman in an offensive manner, but this girl makes me want to snap her neck with my bare hands. She sulked off to the bedroom. My brother gets the idea to go over to Jerry's house, where there is a friday jam session every friday. I've described it before. Old muscians who's p;an didn't come together, who still put up the bravado of being cool, who cling to the last remnants of my brother and I's youth. So we go over there, and jam a little bit. We hit this sweet blues I start, and it flows. I played like mad...until I snapped my G string. Hmmm. That sounds bad, doesn't it. The third highest string. How about that? So I sat. Got a replacement string from my brother. While tuning it up, shouting comes from upstairs. Eventually, jerry's chick, paula comes from upstairs, slurring her words. Paula:"The asshole neighbor who drives the mercedes came home and backed into jon's car. He slammed into it on purpose, and now he and jerry are starting to get into it. I think thehy're are ghonna scrap. Jon's calling the cops." It was like a white trash explosion. The alcoholic neighbors. The conflict. We left. Jerry followed us out the door. "I'm sorry guys. Come back next week. Or stick around! We've got something here. We can make this work!" It reminded me of the end of Breakfast of Champion's by Kurt Vonnegut, where Kilgore Trout begs Vonnegut, "Make me young! Make me Young!" Creepy. As we walked out of the house, a woman with a spooky voice, unseen, hissed at Jerry, apparently, from thesecond story window, telling him he sucked, he wasn't shit, calling him a wife beater, among other things. I thought she was talking to me. It gave me a weird feeling. Almost a crone voice. I sin-songed at her, "Ishh-yooouuu's" (Issues.) That shut her up. Went home, where my brother and I got into an argument, and went home. What a weird night. Today, my folks came to my place, on the way to the airport. We sat for awhile, and they checked out my place. They liked it. We talked for a little bit while they smoked on my patio. As I hugged them goodbye, they each had a message for me. mom:"Remember, you can always come home." dad:"Well, if that interveiw doesn't work out, you can always get a hammer, and go up to...to...Where are they building?" me:"Estes Park?" mom:"Steamboat Springs." Dad:"Yeah, you can always do that." me:"Bye." mom and dad:"Bye." As they walked off, I called to them. me:"I love you. mom:"Love you." And then they were gone. This is my existance.
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