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Went out on Saturday before/after Went out on Saturday night. I have a crush on a bartender at the Rhino Room, where I go when I want to have a quiet beer or three apart from my friends. We flirt and catch each other looking at each other a lot. And when we talk, we end up just gazing into each other's eyes for awhile. I didn't make a move. I think I have something against bartenders. me:"Michaela" she perches her head on the bar below me, looking up with gorgeous blue eyes, and perky full lips. she:"Yes?" Me:"I need a favor." she:"Okay." me:"I need your help." she:"Okay." me:"I think it'd be wonderful if you could help me, and you'd be a really nice person...and I'll think you're...cool...if you help me." she:"Okay." me:"I need to cash out." She laughed. I think she felt let down. She didn't say goodbye. Oh well. Later on I had a fantasy about asking her for her apartment key and directions to her place. I just know that, in my heart of hearts, physically it would be good. But I don't know if I want to be involved with the hot bartender. At least, I think she's hot, and that may involve the instant rapport we've had. Had. Past tense. I never take anything for granted. I flirted with a bunch of girls that night. Smiled at one girl I caught watching me, and she smiled back, but then got this look like, "Damn, I'm with this guy. Why now?" I don't know if that's a good explanation. But it made me laugh, and feel good. The lead keyboard/singer of the band that was playing at the bar had a mullet. And so got mocked by a group of guys I got to know. After he asked for requests, they shouted for "Europe." and "Poison." I don't think he got it. Found Roomie and Don at the Goosetown. They were with their girls. We riffed on the horrors of pueberty. No free roaming girls to flirt with at the Goosetown. I went over to a friends later, Dealer, and checked out his computer set up. The kid is a wizard, and in a few years, will make a pile of cash. As I left, a guy came out of the Bluebird with a giant inflatable cock, and ran out into traffic howling. A girl exited with him, and went to cross the road. I crossed with her, and we flirted briefly. She looked and sounded almost identically to the last girl to break my heart. Short, dark, long brown hair. Doe-y brown eyes. Nose ring. I have absolutely no doubt I would have made love to this girl all night long, just on that basis alone. Came up to the set up point, and I let her go. I wanted to, very badly. I have to wonder. Yes, I go for that type of girl. And I've never really explored, "my type" of girl. I wonder if it would be a mistake, hooking up with a girl that reminded me of a past beau. It seems deceitful. Although that may be a perfect way to fill that hole, (no pun intended...yeah, that was fuckin' bad of me.), I wonder if the dynamic of that relationship would be tainted upon inception, forever corrupted. Not that I would ask her to be a certain way. But short, dark spooky girls and I have great rapport. And I feel that the halatious sex could overcome anything, at least for a while. (And not that this is the only type of girl I could have great sex with...or have had great sex with) I don't want to do anyone wrong, though. I don't want to be so careless with someone's heart. Aaaaand, throw into the fact that the last two girls I've slept with have gone horribly weird on me, and it leaves me where I am currently. Yes, I've avoided dating. If three girls in a row go weird on me, then that likely points to a failure or a shortcoming on my part, and that will fuck with my head. Two is coincidence, three marks a pattern. Maybe I'm hard to handle in a relationship. I don't know. I don't have to think about it, unless the next girl goes weird on me. And yes, it seems to be tradition for me to not cash in on every opportunity that comes my way. Maybe that's a short-coming, I don't know. I don't know if that matters to me so much. I am in a search for true intimacy. And this may be a new way to get to know myself. The sexual me. Knowing "my type" of girl would be a good place to start. More to follow, I guess. I think I will stick to the thought that occurred to me as I drove home. "I'm almost ready to start dating again." Their weidness deeply affected me. But I'm almost ready.
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