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Lots of Work to Do before/after
So I'm working out, getting a good sweat going, and i start thinking about how pissed I am at my brother.
And how this is a real issue for me.
i get really angry just thinking about it.
I analyzed it from a family systems perspective. I have a lot of work to do.
If I can resolve this somehow, I think I will be a better human.
I was definitely looking for someone to pick a fight with me, but no one really walks around pissed off, because that's really just not normal.
I brooded upon how much an effect what my brother has done to me has affected my physical and emotional make-up.
On the way home, I stop at the supermarket to get something for dinner, concerned that I might start to generalize the feelings of rage to others who have nothing to do with why I was angry in the first place.
And there he is with his fiance'. I make some idle chatter, biting back the urge to simply lash the fuck out horribly.
And he's being an asshole. Cutting me off in mid sentence. Treating me the way he always has. The way the family system has tacitly encouraged him to do so.
I felt the rage start to rise again. I gritted my teeth and clenched my jaw slightly.
He flinched. He knew I was mad from his antics on friday. He knows I am a heartbeat away from...let it go, let it go, let it go.
He still denies he ever did anything wrong.
But settling of scores has to be over. I need to move on, so to speak. I need to get out from under this. I think it could make a dramatic difference in my persoonality, overall health, and life.
Even if it doesn't, I don't want to be this angry with anyone. There is a certain righteousness to it. And an edge of unpredictability. But its negative and hurtful, and likely little, besides protecting myself from my brother, good will come of it.
I don't need the anger to keep me safe.
God it was hard. Holding on. Knowing that someday he'd have to leave. I didn't understand the big picture, but I made it.
So we go our own ways, and I spent the rest of the night trying to devise some sort of therapeutic course of action.
I need to let the guilt, shame and anger go. I need to forgive.
I need to let the anger go towards my parents for not protecting me. For seemingly not caring. I need to forgive.
I want to let it all go, and walk down the path towards the me that should've been me. The one that everyone but me seems to see.
And once I have those things down, I need a plan to fix the family systems plumbing. At least some sort of trioge plan to keep me from getting warped back into the shape the family system has seemingly defined for me. The low-self esteem of my early years (and still now), the repression. The anger.
So, I came up with some mantras as a first step. I need to make me right, and then address the rest of the situation. I need to accomplish what I can.
I still have no action plan as to how to deal with my brother after I resolve my feelings, and guarunteed he will try to retard my development in this case, as it puts reverse pressure on the system, and his natural instinct will be to attempt to reassert the old way.
Still need to think about that. I will go with separation until I devise a better plan.
As for the mantras:
I am at one with the me that has let the anger go.
I am at one with the me that has let the anger go.
I am at one with the me that has let the anger go.
Its working. This will be very difficult. And it will take awhile.
Hopefully I can make something happen.
Lots of work to do.
*sigh*
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