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Days Going Bye before/after
The days accumulate and tick by, sand in the bottom of the hour glass.
Sunny afternoons on the porch, which I wish could last forever in their benign state.
I've been avoiding any sort of thinking and worrying about life. Any and all sorts of thought that discomfit me.
The only things I've really been working on are the daily stuff that keeps my life chugging along.
Anything else, should it not fit into the "fuck it, don't worry" paradign are either quickly resolved or patently avoided.
Even to the point where "Should, i wear this shirt?" becomes "Fuck it, Don't worry about it". Wear it and don't think about it, regardless. I am a guy, and these things do not matter.
Good thing I've arranged my life to function at this level for now. I wish I could explain it better.
Figured out part of why I go to and find relaxation in the boneyard. Rather simple, really.
I allow myself to think on the things that nag at me there, even to the point where I facetiously pose questions to the names I find.
"Dammit, Carl, what should I do?"
Yeah, its kinda' weird, but from a therapeutic standpoint its understandable and defensible. Externalization of problems and resultant inner dialogue.
I keep a close eye on myself. I feel that should I quit questioning my sanity, then its time for the guys in the white coats and halidol to come in and kick ass.
On to other business.
It was retard night the other night at a Supermarket I hardly ever visit. Totally exploiting the government subsidized retard labor.
I may post that entry sometime. Freakish, side-show type stuff.
Stayed late after work and helped out a woman with whom I have an odd workplace flirtation going.
About a month ago, I thought she was seducing me, and felt conflicted about it. So did she, I think.
She's married, and we have great chemistry.
Found out she was married last week. It was a funny moment.
"Is that your album?" I asked, pointing to a Tom Petty 'Full Moon Fever' album. Big long pause, and an awkward look hang on her face. "My...husband gave it to me." Busted. After that, pictures of hubby started appearing in her office, and she seemed to resolve whatever it was that was bothering her in relation to me. Hopefully her relationship improved as a result.
Nothing happened, though. I reached deep, found some moral strength, and exited the situation gracefully, not allowing either of us the opportunity to grow a mess. Yes, I am still a failure of the male stereo-type. But in this instance, I don't feel bad about it. Its a road better left untraveled.
Roomie's girlfriend is making me think.
I think she wants me. Always with the 'come-hither' look. Lip gestures that, if I saw on someone unknown or unattached, I would think she wants me, badly.
I still have not decided what to think of this, and her. Given her history, she seems the type to put forth a great facade and first impressions, but seems to thrive on turmoil.
I'll wait and see what happens. Likely, I will distance from her, and, not having enough turmoil to make her happy, she will may fade away. Maybe I'm wrong about this.
(On a certain cognitive level, I desperately hope everything i've ever learned or been told is wrong...but this is beside the point.)
There is more to it...like when Roomie talked to a chick at 7-South, she saw it, and immediately came over to me, flirtatiously and deliberately.
Jealousy games kill.
But me, I am saintly as the driven snow, and shall remain so.
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