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Charles Neilson Riley and Captain Lou Albano before/after I was watching television today, when I saw a movie that had Charles Neilson Riley in it. An old eighties wrestling movie. Don't ask, I don't know. (I think it was the one with Cyndi Lauper, and the guy who wore rubber bands as a facial accessory, and one Captain Lou Albano, and yes, I know little shame for my trivia knowledge, to the sorrow of us all.) I'd like to think that Charles Neilson Riley was a pioneer in the era of celebrity, creating a "character", and riding that out for all that's worth. But the truth is likely that he was just a creepy old gay dude. So, if you're ever feeling low, find this movie, and thank the powers that be that you are not Charles Neilson Riley. All things considered, sure he had celebrity, possibly money. Some noteriety, and probably didn't have to work too hard his whole life. But if the Fairy God-Mother of Life-Switches came down and offered me the Charles Neilson Riley package, I would have to say 'no way'. Maybe its that I don't think I would look good in an ascot. But its likely that you can't put a price on either coolness or self-respect. 'Cause Charles Neilson Riley is fucked on both of those counts. If he was playing a character, then he's fucked out of self-respect. If its actually him, then he definitely loses the cool points, with or without the ascot. He did get to meet Captain Lou Albano, though. Oh, Captain Lou...wither dost thou roam, but through the green feilds of Elysium, and we are all the poorer for having lost you.
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