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Shitting the Bed and Musk Issues before/after So I'm laying in bed at four in the morning. Its pitch black. My foot contacts something cold, damp, and four inches long. I awake with a start. What the fuck was that? Did I shit the bed? No-o-o-o. I don't remember shitting the bed. You'd think I'd notice. Waitaminute. The cat! The cat was sleeping on my bed all day. AWWWW! DID THE CAT SHIT THE BED?!? No-o-o-o. So what the fuck? I can't see a goddam thing. AWWW, FUCK! DID HE LEAVE ME A RAT? DID HE LEAVE A FUCKIN' RAT IN MY BED?! No, that's too small to be a rat. FUCK! A MOUSE! HE LEFT A FUCKING MOUSE IN MY GODDAM BED! Well, no, its not that, either. Boo never kills anything. Besides, it...doesn't..FEEL...like it. Hmmm. Upon reflection, I remembered my cousin's wedding from this weekend. They had roses everywhere. Rose petals, roses jammed into the tiers of the cake, everywhere. At the end of the ceremony two little girls walked around with a giant tray of roses and passed them out. I reached to grab one, and a cute little girl with glasses slapped the shit out of my hand. She couldn't have been more than seven or eight. "They're for GIRLS ONLY!" she admonished me. She was really cute, so I tried to grab a rose a couple of other times. Each time she rounded on me. "They're for GIRLS ONLY!" I only played so much, though, because I don't want anyone to think I'm a pedophile. Which I'm not. So I reached down to the suspicious object in my bed and tentatively grabbed it. The damp, cold object was a rose the cat had dragged into my bed for a leisurely munch. And then he just as leisurely left it there, for me to discover at four in the morning. Fucker. * * * FADE IN: ARGENTUM is laying on his bed talking on his cell phone to his girlfriend AUDREY. ARGENTUM They seem to like me at work. They hang out around my cubicle and get really close to me. AUDREY That's nice. ARGENTUM Well, I like the love, but I can feel their breath on me. I hate it. Why do they have to get so close to me? AUDREY Its your musk. ARGENTUM My musk. AUDREY Yeah, hey, I know what they're dealing with! ARGENTUM Thanks. FADE OUT End
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