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Impending LSD and Memories before/after
I feel an atittudinal shift is headed my way.
Its okay... change is growth.
I think my acid trip this weekend will enlighten me as to the path I must persue. Hopefully anyway.
I have no marijuana headed my way currently, which is a stone bummer. I am a veteran tripper, and I know from harsh experience that ciggareetes and a modicum of pot is usually necessary to "take the edge off", especially when sampling the first in a batch of fine psychadelics.
Yes, there was a time when drugs seemed a religion and LSD was my communion. And I partook of my communion two three times in a weekend--every weekend, starting usually on thursday for a year or so.
And if you've never sat with a group of people and tripped your balls off, laughing at bizzarre tangenital conversations, well, one of the better things in life is passing you by.
After that phase, I would trip alone, which can lead you to an introspective hell, unless you know how to handle it.
I've since learned to better take care of myself with moderation, but the taste was something I can't quite shake
There has been two periods in my life where I really didn't like myself, call it low self esteem, call it whatever you like, and those were rough times.
Its okay, I truly like and love myself now. No going back. Promise.
And I do not credit drugs or LSD for prying my way out of that hell. It was a thoughtful process of constant re-evaluation learning, change and finally acceptance, 'cause there is truly no such thing as personal change but exemplification of attributes that were always there, just not showing quite so much. LSD did help me become more acuainted with my self, and particular nooks and crannies of my cerebellum. It did allow me access to me, not the bullshit people had filled my head with for so long, or wanted me to be for whatever reason.
One particular bad run of drugs, low self-esteem and depression led me to the ultimate cure.
I had brought a lot of my drug addled outsiders to a party in my part of town, which is insular at best. I felt myself friendless, unworthy of friends, and pretty much despised by my classmates, who I figured were unwilling to cross me for a whole host of reasons.
Anyway, I hung out in the driveway, and comisserated with my neighbor, Bill. Bill turned to me, looked me in the eye, and said,"Jay, what are you doing hanging out with those people?"
Like the clique of high-school mates I had become associated with were not good enough for me.
I will never forget it. He, and the rest of my friends stood by me through the worst of my times, regardless of how far gone I was, which is the hallmark of any true friends. They wanted nothing from me in return. I just had to be me, and not what someone else wanted me to be, or what I could give them.
I love those guys.
I put myself back together, and the love of others is what keeps me going, despite what storms may come to pass, or what rebellious nightmarish thoughts my mind may freakishly and intrudingly impose upon me. There is no life I'd rather live, but my own. And I want to see how this ride ends, despite my avowal to deny reincarnation, if there is such a thing, with no early exits, but for their love, knowing that such action would be a disavowal of such love, and hurtful to all in the extreme. I will not my own quietus make, nor gamble with my life in the extreme like I used to, because I know that such a thing would hurt them so much.
Hey, it makes sense to me.
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