I Need To Think Some More
2001-05-02 - 4:52 p.m.

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I've been thinking about the future.

From a philosophical perspective, collectives have a dynamic that places members of the collective to the point of most use for that collective. I just feel like I haven't found my niche'.

I want...more.

There's so much I want to see and do, and there is little time and leeway in society for this. I feel outside the staid societal structure. Sometimes I feel like one of the few who even see the structure, and how people fit. And it bothers me. Like the world has no use or purpose for me, unlike pretty much everyone else who fits in their spot, and thrives. I just wander, looking. Watching. Perhaps searching for my spot in humanity. Someplace where I can leap to and claim,"This place is mine!", and feel like I was always meant to be there. Usually I feel like I just conned my way into a space, and they get something of use out of me.

And I suppose I've always felt that way, with no qualms about it. Seeing all my friends get married, buying houses, with their lifepaths set, as if someone lighted the way for them just makes me think.

What if I'd done this or that...what if I just stayed the safe stable course the whole way through, listened to my elders, done what I was told.

I'd have a seemingly normal life, probably just finished up law school, with a wife, and brilliant prospects, but somewhat limited options. I'd be the toast of the town, and live quite comfortably (if not extravagently, given the head-start I'd have) with definite influence over my surroundings...

...my surroundings being a small midwestern town. A backwater. A very big fish in a small pond.

And really, maybe I don't feel regret. Maybe I've made the right choices to this point.

I'm happy where I'm at, short-term for sure. Long term, it just feels bleak. I suppose I can always hop back on the path at whatever point, with some modifications that might make all the differences...

But I want things to happen now. I want to make definite attempts to realize my dreams, but I'm just not there yet. I need to formulate a plan, and write it down, or something.

I need to think some more.