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Losers all around before/after
Kill the pig, slit it's throat, bash its head. -Lord of the Flies I chanted this as I fried bacon today. This is not the first time.
I was going to write an entry about ambition, replete with a true story of something I did, but I thought it more amusing and a bit ironic that I lack the motivation to write it. The story brings back many a memory of shallow, shady debauchery. Its funny that I started this diary a bit after a period of my most savage debachery, yet looking back on it, as I downloaded a copy to my laptop, I fucked it up hardcore for a while. yo. I never say, 'yo', but I'm trying. Sort of. It always sounds mocking when I say it I spend thought and time trying to be myself, you see. Its...its not like I'm a teenager trying to define myself by differentiation or anything. I am not me just because I am different. No. Its about staying true to myself, I guess. Sometimes that takes thought. [as a side note, I perpetually and constantly think all kinds of half-mad, weird shit, of which I've little control or much real idea from where it comes. Its to the point where I don't even question it, really. I've discussed this in the past, and it does not bother me.] My, what vague panoply of bullshit. True, though. true bullshit. For me, staying true to myself a lot of the time has to do something with whether or not I take a shower. Beyond that, I try to do nothing that doesn't make my conscience cringe like a beaten puppy in the recessed corners of my flat mind. sometimes I don't always come out right on that score. Read in the newspaper today that a kid, who was on my camp when I was a group leader, has been charged with raping a sixteen year old girl. From the blotter, it says he groped her, smoked pot with her, and then raped her. How the facts break down, I don't know. I am conflicted about it, because although he was on my camp, my exposure and involvement with him was limited. Of a one year stay, he was with me for a month, if that. Which is little time to mold a personality with any lasting effects. That's a statement, huh? Anyway, he wilted when I was not around, and had mom issues like very few. Adopted, abused. Semi-incestual things. Abusive foster parents. I say 'semi-incestual' because he was sexually involved with his foster sister, with whom he had practically grown up. This kid had mother issues compounded on mother issues. Abandoment, neglect, abuse. I remember the one gl that had him the longest commenting on it. Dim memories surface of his former gl saying something about anger issues towards women. Thing is, though its not my fault, and I had minimal contact with the case, it doesn't make it any better. Failed. A couple of different counts of csc and drug charges will put anyone away for a long time, even if its pleaded, one talks about years, and many of them. And talking about victims...that's prima facie failure any way you cut it. Losers all around.
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