I will be alone for the rest of my life and thats fine
2018-08-10 - 5:11 p.m.
She lies when its convenient.
And gaslights me like a reflex.
I can't let it shake me.
I know who I am.
I'm not sure what her end game is. I confronted her about the things I've known and surmised, and, of course, once again she gaslighted me.
Or tried to. I accidentally typed 'tired'. That seems right.
She was indignant. As if to say 'how could you dare accuse me.'
The thing is, I don't levy accusations like that without knowing the truth prior. She still called me 'crazy' and 'insane'.
I mean, I brought up her prior emotional affair, and, well, of course, she lied. She admitted prior to going out to dinner with him twice. Admitted prior to drinking herself to sleep whenever she saw him. He admitted to the emotional affair prior.
But apparently I'm supposed to believe her.
I confronted her about sneaking off with her cousin. The same one that posted pics on her facebook page. He had on a knit cap, panties and garters. A dildo in his ass and one in his mouth. And she has no idea why that happened, and no idea why he said those things to me.
Did she technically fuck him in the bathroom that time I walked in on them? No. I didn't give them enough time. She's technically correct.
But, of course, I'm 99% certain she did in the past. Way too many specifics were dug up and way too many pieces of circumstantial evidence were found. (And if she can be so aggressive, passionate and licentious, why can't she do that with me?)
She can't be honest with me about anything regarding this. She's said that in the past because she would be scared I'd break up with her.
The thing is, I believe it makes it easier to exercise that option when I know there will be no honesty from her. That she won't be an honest partner. That, in the clutch, I'm alone in reality.
I don't know why she values pretty much anyone else above me, yet continues to live with me. Continues to give side eye to any woman who looks at me. Continues to get jealous if I mention any sort of feminine attention.
Guilt is the cup that spills itself in fearing to be spilled. Or something.
I'm an easy guy to get along with. And I can forgive and work through anything if someone can be honest with me and communicate with me.
I don't know why that can't happen here. But it doesn't.
I'd like to say she's ripped my heart out, but it would be more accurate to say its been suffocated slowly. I don't know what passion and love feels like anymore. Passionate love. Not platonic love.
I know platonic love. I love a lot of people. Sometimes, after a few cups of coffee, I want to proclaim my love of many of my friends. I don't, probably because they'd be weirded out, but maybe I will.
Someday. My field of fucks grows more barren every day.
I really don't know how to proceed. I think she's floating a trial balloon this evening, claiming she has to get a script and then will go grocery shopping. Again.
My guess is she may be having drinks OR she's actually doing it so she can set the framework for stepping out later. How many times does a person need to go grocery shopping in a week?
I mean, she could talk to me about it. I'm not an ogre.
As it is, if I try to talk to her about my needs to grow in the relationship, I'm pretty sure it'll get minimized. Or she'll say I already get that, which is to say she'll claim she's already "100% honest" with me, when I know that isn't true.
I hate thinking like this. I hate that this relationship has forced me to think like this. Just fucking be honest with me!
I let it go for now. Fucked the living hell out of her a week after the argument, dominant, rough. I growled in her ear 'you're *my* fucking slut.'
Of course, the next day I was admonished for being too rough, and to be gentle with her.
Why do *I* have to be?
But is she mine?
She wanted to work for me, so I had her into the office. She refused to work on the things I needed, and could not show up when I needed her to.
That's not how jobs work.
So I told her it wasn't working out, and to look for another job.
Now, she's working somewhere else. Great. I supported her wholly for about six months or so.
She toes the line for her new employers. They're (apparently) the best thing since sliced bread. Does what they need, shows up when told.
Anything I asked for was scoffed at. I am viewed in deminis to just
about anyone else for some reason. And she's about the only one that acts like that. If I'm such a substandard person and partner, why the fuck is she still in my home?
Anyway, she's started saying the same things about her new employer like she did about her old employer.
And now, she's (again) at the grocery store. After work. On a Friday.
Probably a trial balloon. Nothing doing (yet). Then again, who knows.
I'm getting tired of this.
I mean, I can go out and fuck around pretty fucking easily.
But that's not what I want, you know? I'm getting close, really close, to settling down, in a sense, with someone.
And apparently I'm just supposed to throw that to her, even though she doesn't give me what I need or want for that to happen, solely because she figures *she* has given me what *she* determines should make me happy, should make this possible.
That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.
Thanks for the notes.