Not sure how to find my way back.
2022-06-28 - 2:29 p.m.

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TW: suicidal thoughts

You really can't talk to anyone about suicidal thoughts. The reality is, if you bring it up, well, then you're a danger to yourself or others. 72 hour hold.

And bam: all your credibility is gone.

Its taken me a long time to realize that life doesn't have to be like that. That people don't allow themselves to think like that as a matter of comfort or certainty.

Certainty that the suffering will end. Certainty that all the horrible shit will end at some point.

After my grandfather killed himself, I had repeated nightmares that he was trapped in a 'time loop' wherein he relived his last day over and over and over again. He would putter around his home one last time, with a walker (which he hated) and finally at the end of the day, sit in his chair, put the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger.

...only to wake up, one more time, at the start of that day. And he would putter around outside his home one last time, with a walker (which he still hated)...

Then I read about a some-what obscure bhuddist sect that believes if you commit suicide, you then live out that same conflict somewhere in the universe until you make the skillful choice.

Which sounds scarily like the nightmares I had been having.

And having my putative father-in-law do the same thing six months after my grandfather was a really shitty thing for him to do.

Anyway, I tend to measure my mental health a bit, or I did, by how often I have intrusive thoughts of death and suicide.

I have no intention of doing anything. Having survived the two, I understand the misery that profligates in the wake of a traumatic suicide. Instead of blowing your brains out, you end up blowing your toxic misery on everyone that cared about you. And that's just not what I want to do. Ever.

My life feels kinda fucked. I'm nearly 49, not married, no kids, and my career sucks donkey balls. I feel any ground I make, I end up getting my nuts kicked in.

But I don't think I'll take my own life. Honestly, if my dad died at 62 (he smoked 3 packs a day, tho) how long do I have? 14 years? I mean, its not that far away.

I doubt that I'll die at 62, though. Hope not, anyway. I haven't done anything yet, havent accomplished anything yet.

And that's fine. I just would like to try. And I'm tired of getting my nuts kicked in and my back stabbed.

I like to flow. Flowing is pretty easy. My career does not feel like its flowing. My relationship does not feel like its flowing.

Literally nothing in my life feels as though its flowing. And I hate that feeling.

People say life is hard, relationships are hard, etc. Personally, if it seems like hard work, odds are you are not going with the flow.

I want to return to the flow-state. That is where I am happy.

I haven't felt happy in a long, long time.

I began this entry with the thought I would talk about the various (non purposeful) plans I had abstractly made up over the years about how I would idealize or otherwise envision suicide. I've had some interesting plans. Not that I would *do* it, or follow through with it. But I guess I won't get to that quite yet.

Mostly, I just want the misery to end. A little more money in my pocket. A little more success than what I have. Some peace. Happiness. Maybe get married, possibly a kid.

Most people seem to just want to take things away from me.

I wouldn't mind moving to another state.

I feel tied down and entangled. I feel depressed and unsuccessful. I feel like a failure.

I just want to be happy. And if I can help people *while* earning a living and feeling happy, that's a win.

But maybe that's not what my life is supposed to be? Or my flow-state isn't that?

I really just want to have an idea how to identify the great Flow and know which way it is going, or how to get in the flow.

I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of being miserable.

I'm tired of hiking up hill and swimming upstream.

I'm not sure how to find my way back.

I think I could use my talents and abilities to flow skillfully. I know that if I did find that state and was able to meet my temporal needs with it, I'd love it.

But I feel Im a bit aways away from that.

And I'm not sure how to find my way back.

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