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Defend Me Friends before/after A year and five days ago, I was on a cruise in the Medeterranean, drinking a champagne toast around midnight, and flinging my glass overboard in a grotesque burgeosie display of cheer. Everyone was dressed to the nines, and on the way to getting sloppy drunk. "To good times, liberty and happiness!" We threw the glasses overboard amid gales of laughter and hugging, making a small splash as the ship sizzeled through the dark water, and I gazed at the distant lights on the ancient shores, "How bad can my life really be, with times like these?" I thought, leaning on the rail, breathing in the cool salty air. I've talked myself out of the numbness tree. Falling out of it never hurts. Good ole' me. Always there to pick myself back up again. Dished myself a little reality therapy. Its always important to know there is a bottom. My brother helped out a bit, too, in a brotherly supportive way, not in a reality therapy sort of way. Not really. Our relationship has improved. I have in the space of a year or so, nudged the dynamic towards healthy space, and focused on the here and now with my own emotions as it relates to him, basically understanding myself, giving myself the spoace to feel the anger, recognize it, understanding where it comes from, and relating it to the present with here and now processing. Also, emotionally placing myself on the ground that is satisfactory to me. Not conceding, nor being aggressive in the relational roles, but rather finding a zone of health and comfort for myself wherein I won't accept the dynamic having a detrimental effect, realizing the deleterious effect of the past maladaptive dynamic, and defining healthy boundaries, trying to resolve my own feelings, and let the anger go. Anyway, I'll have my ducks in a row for tomorrow. I'll likely be charming. Mostly I'll be playing poker. *sigh* I'll try to play a good hand. I used to know everyone's cards. Not even entirely sure of all my cards, anymore. Ultimately, everyone else has all the aces, and I have a poker face. Momma din't raise no fool. Send me all the good voodoo you can spare.
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