Diner
2006-09-05 - 11:37 p.m.
before/after
strangely
non-functional guestbook
Diner
FADE IN:
INT. NIGHT TIME IN A 24 HOUR DINER Two regular guys, JIM and JOHN are sitting in a corner booth at the local diner. Both have plates of food and are eating. JIM has pancakes. JOHN has bacon and scrambled eggs. Both have coffee. JIM I'll say this: that Steve Irwin was a tough motherfucker. JOHN Who? JIM Steve Irwin. You know, the Crocodile Hunter. JIM does a horrible Australian accent. Crikey!! JOHN Oh. That guy. JIM Yeah, that guy. JOHN What about him. JIM Well, he got stung in the heart by a stingray. JOHN That makes him tough? JIM He pulled out the barb. JOHN Did he die? JIM Of course he fuckin' died. You don't get stung in the heart by a wild fuckin' animal and walk away from it. JOHN So he died. JIM Yes.
2. JOHN That doesn't make him tough.
JIM Whaddya' mean? He pulled the fuckin' barb out of his goddamn heart! JOHN So? JIM (incredulous) So?! JOHN Anybody woulda' pulled that shit out. Its human nature. JIM Human nature, huh? JOHN Exactly. Somebody stabs you somewhere, you're gonna pull it out. Nobody wants to leave shit like that inside of them. It doesn't matter if its a stingray barb or a kitchen knife. It doesn't belong where it is, hence it has to go, regardless of the fact that in some cases you may be better off with whatever it is left wherever it stabbed you.
A troupe of punk rock teens that couldn't get into any of the clubs scuffs their heels of their boots as they walk by, and sit silently in a booth nearby, packing the booth. They have multi-colored hair, studs, leathers, piercings, and one of the youths has a black t-shirt that reads "KEN LAY LIVES!" with a head shot of Ken Lay on the front of his t-shirt.. They are decidedly sullen. JOHN watches them casually, while JIM scarfs down the rest of his food.
JIM Why would someone be better off to leave it where it is? JOHN Because sometimes its the only thing holding an artery together. Sometimes its the only thing stopping the blood flow. Christ man, I'm not a doctor. I don't know. But I've seen some shit on TV.
3. JIM (mockingly) "I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."
JOHN Shut up. Still, the point is: he died. And anyone would have pulled that shit out. Its human nature to do that. JIM Again with that human nature bullshit. JOHN I'll tell you something else, too: If he was really tough, he would have lived. JIM There was no surviving that. JOHN Well, yeah. Just sayin'. The human animal is a wonderful thing, and survives all kinds of strange an unfortunate happenstance. Look at the guy in Colorado. Aaron Ralston. JIM The guy that cut off his own hand? JOHN Yes. That's tough. JIM Yeah. No doubt. Woulda' been tougher still if he would have ate it. (JOHN gives JIM a disgusted look) You know...in order to survive. JOHN Ummm...yeah. Self cannibalization aside, he's still one tough motherfucker. JIM Agreed.
4. At a table near JIM and JOHN, a DRUNK WHITE WOMAN is seated with a SOBER BLACK MAN. The DRUNK WHITE WOMAN suddenly rises and starts belting out Whitney Houston's song "I Will Always Love You." at top volume and horribly, horribly off-key.
SOBER BLACK MAN You got talent, baby.
The DRUNK WHITE WOMAN turns, almost falls, and locks eyes with JIM, slowly creeping at him in a crouch that doesn't facilitate her horrible singing.
DRUNK WHITE WOMAN Annnd IIIIIIII-eeee-IIIIII will always love you-uu-uu-uu-eee-oooo- iiii always love youuuuuuuu. SOBER BLACK MAN You's great baby. You's got PIPES. You should be on that American Idol show.
The entire diner has stopped and fallen silent. Everyone is watching. The DRUNK WHITE WOMAN turns shakily back to her date, stumbling and nearly falling again.
DRUNK WHITE WOMAN (slurs) Yer' goddam. right. SOBER BLACK MAN Lets get out of here. You got the check?
The DRUNK WHITE WOMAN fumbles in her purse for money, pulling out a wad of cash. The SOBER BLACK MAN takes it, and walks up to the cash register.
SOBER BLACK MAN Lets go to your place, baby.
The DRUNK WHITE WOMAN locks eyes with JIM once more, blows him a kiss, then stumbles to the door of the diner and goes outside. The SOBER BLACK MAN pays the bill and pockets the rest of the cash, following her outside. Slowly, the diner comes back to life.
JIM That was scary. JOHN Yeah it was. She seemed to like you, though.
5. JIM She did.
JOHN Was that your mom? JIM Fuck you. Asshole.
A pair of drunk, homely, desperate, forty-something women file past and sit in a booth nearby. They loudly begin discussing what they will have to eat.
JOHN I don't know...I don't think the Crocodile Hunter was tough at all. All he did was get close to dangerous animals who clearly didn't want him that close to them. That's not really tough. Its more deranged than anything. JIM Don't talk bad about the dead. JOHN Its not bad. Its the truth. Its hardly surprising one of them finally killed him. JIM You said he was deranged. JOHN Well, it is a bit deranged to consistently harass some of the worlds most dangerous animals and expect to retire some day at a ripe old age. Of course one of those fuckers is going to get you. Its just a matter of time. The irony is that he got waxed by a relatively peaceful creature, that's all. He's a study in the minor ironies of life, not toughness, and its certainly not a tragedy. JIM There you go again, trashing a dead man.
A WAITRESS comes to their table, fills their coffee and leaves.
6. JIM (to waitress) Thanks.
JOHN (to waitress) Thank you. JOHN (to JIM) I'm not trashing a dead man. I'm not into that, going to a funeral and saying things like, "He was a difficult man." That's not me- JIM But here you are talking shit about the fuckin' Crocodile Hunter, and he's dead- JOHN The man's legacy speaks for itself. If you go to a funeral and the consensus is that you were an asshole, then you're an asshole. Its different talking about someone's legacy rather than going up to a pulpit and saying he's an asshole during the eulogy. JIM Ok. JOHN Besides, who the fuck are you, defending the fucking "Crocodile Hunter" anyway? You didn't know the guy. Maybe he's a real fucking asshole. You don't know. He dangled his baby over a fucking' crocodile once. JIM He did? JOHN Yeah, once. JIM Well, maybe he had a good reason for that.
7. JOHN What kind of fucking reason could any sane man have for dangling his newborn infant over a killer reptile?
JIM I really don't know. Maybe you should ask him. JOHN What are you, his personal fucking cheerleader? Were you one of his groupies in the eighties? Did you suck some Crocodile Hunter dick? JIM Fuck you. JOHN No, really. What is it? You just can't admit that you're wrong, can you? That's it. It kills you to admit that you're wrong. JIM Fuck off. JOHN Admit it, motherfucker. You're wrong. You're fucking wrong, and you'd rather DIE than fucking admit you're fucking wrong. JIM I admit nothing. And while you're at it, go fuck yourself.
The WAITRESS comes to the table, looks at both men, and leaves the check face down.
JOHN I hate it when people try to sanitize someone's life when they die. Like all the bad shit they did suddenly doesn't count anymore. JIM What do you want them to do? Say "He was an asshole." at the eulogy? JOHN No, I hate that, too. I'll say that at your funeral, though.
8. JIM You cock-sucker. You'd do it, too.
JOHN (laughs) No I wouldn't. I'd say "He was a difficult man." JIM Fuckin' pole-smoker. Did someone actually say that at a funeral, or are you making that shit up? JOHN Nope. Two people said it at my great uncle's funeral. JIM They did? JOHN Yup. JIM Was he? JOHN I don't know. I didn't know him. JIM Oh. JOHN I sat there, with my arm around his widow, and two people went up the the lectern and said, "He was a difficult man." JIM That's shitty. Sounds like someone had an ax to grind. JOHN I guess. JIM What were you doing with your arm around the widow? Moving in? Trying to get a piece? JOHN No, you sick fuck, I was comforting her, that's all. It was my great aunt.
9. JIM (laughs)
JOHN God you're sick. What the fuck is wrong with you?
JIM Absolutely nothing. JOHN Lets get the fuck out of here. JIM You got the check? JOHN You indigent fuck. JIM Hey, I'm not the one trying to pick up his aunt at her husband's funeral. JOHN Fuck you. Come on, lets go. JIM Ok.
JOHN and JIM walk to the cash register, JOHN pays the WAITRESS and they walk out of the diner. EXT. PARKING LOT--NIGHT
JIM Thanks man. JOHN No problem.
Both men get into their cars and drive out into the night. . FADE OUT
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