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The one where Arg is fucking depressed before/after And then Audrey's dad put a bullet in his head six months later, after gifting us/me his old Jeep. And Audrey confessed to violating my privacy by accessing my FB and Gmail and reading my messages. And Audrey confessed to having a long running incestuous affair with her cousin, who is a loser. And I had a memorial for her father, gave his eulogy, had her family in my house. And her cousin got drunk and bragged about fucking her. "She's a little freak!" he said. So I told him I was going to slap him around a bit to make myself feel better. He appealed to his brother for help. "Well, it wouldn't be the first time I fought two dudes at the same time." "WHY ARE YOU SO CALM." "Do you realize how fucked up it is that you're bragging about this, in my house, at your uncle's wake?" Again he begged his brother for help, who refused. "He's going to kick your ass, bro. Don't hurt him too much, Arg." "Nah, he's just going to learn a lesson." Audrey had gone to bed. Anyway, I let that go as he scampered off. The next day she tried to sneak off upstairs to my bathroom for some incestuous nookie with him, apparently. I snuck upstairs, in my own house, and opened the door. The cousin fled, but not before calling me a 'goddamn cock-block'. Again, in my own house, about his cousin, my gf, at his uncle's wake. "Are you going to make a big deal about this?" Audrey asked me. I was, blown away. Over...whelmed. "It'll go easier for you if you just let it happen." she said. I couldn't believe she was saying these things to me. Sometimes, a lot of time, it takes me forever to process things emotionally. I just let it alone for a year. I got her on prozac, which has been life changing for her. But even just reading all this makes me feel pathetic. She was so difficult to live with for that year, until I threatened, again, to end it between us if she didn't get help. She consistently yelled at me, emotionally abused me, left me neglected and alone in our "relationship." I wasn't really allowed to have friends. I'm still not, really, even though I do. I really think for me to be able to grow, to reach even a glimmer of my potential, I'll probably have to split up with her. I am having real difficulty moving past everything I just told you. Its not that I'm a doormat, all evidence to the contrary aside, its more than likely that I'm profoundly depressed. Oh, and yeah, my aunts fucked me and my brother over in regards to Grandpa's estate. Its been a rough couple of years. I could use some good goddamn news. I could use a LOT of good goddamn news. On the flipside, I have my own practice, I've been doing well with that. I have my own office, and own my own home with that paid off. I'm licensed. I have a skill set which, if motivated and utilized, I can provide for myself. I wear suits a lot. I'm reasonably well known around town. People like me, except maybe my hs classmates. There has been a decades long campaign by a few people against me to harass and bully me, and they never stopped. Not sure why. Well, they stopped recently, anyway. Because, I mean, I would sue the living fuck out of them. And, well, you know they can't take me in any verbal or physical confrontation. Only campaigns of whispers are my downfall, for whatever reason. The quiet natterings of those who would do me ill behind my back. The chatterings of cowards. Maybe I need to leave. I seemed to thrive in Denver. I've been trying to buy a new(er) motorcycle. I would like to go on a trip and leave all this behind for awhile. I'm not sure how all this will play out, honestly, between me and Audrey, or me and anyone. I can't take any more gaslighting from her. I told her awhile ago, after gpa kicked it that the next time was the last. I know if I confront her with my feelings regarding her indiscretion, she will deny it. It "never happened" and she won't know what I'm talking about, despite me catching her and him red fucking handed. And that will be that. Or , that will be that in 30 days. Maybe I am a doormat. I supported her, bill free, for the last six months, while she sorted herself out. I'm tired of being taken advantage of, and taken for granted. I'm tired of being pushed around and gossiped about. I need to be...me. I feel like I haven't been me for a long time. p.s. if anyone reads this, let alone someone who knows me IRL, please don't gossip about this or me. The past few years have ruined my state of mind. And I think I need to write more. More poetry. More anything. More creativity. I miss my muse. I hope my muse misses me. I need to court my muse some more. It was just a fucking lot to bear in a short amount of time. Still is.
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