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clusterfuck of a life
2014-03-17 - 11:02 a.m.


before/after
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I have a cold. I'm hopped up on cold meds. This will be excruciating to read.

I graduated cum laude from law school.

I sat for the bar, and am awaiting results. Some days I feel confident about my results, some days not.

When I was sick, I got well with the express goal of graduating law school. Passing the bar wasn't part of the program. I kinda' thought I'd eat a bullet or something. (I was in a very dark place)

So now I'm in uncharted waters.

I'm living with Audrey, which is trying. She moved from her parents house to mine. She doesn't understand how to live with someone else...i.e. paying your share of the bills, etc. and it wears on me. And when I'm achingly honest with her about what I need from my partner in my relationship, she either tells me "You don't need that." (gaslighting) or "whatever." (completely discounting or disregarding my feelings)

I just don't know...

Happiness seems like a faint memory now, especially after this long-cold winter.

Like a hazy memory of a sunny warm day. You know you lived it, but you have no idea what its like.

Perhaps that was a bit melodramatic. Who knows. All I know is I'm not happy, my partner seems to be more like my daughter that I didn't want than my partner, is bleeding me dry of money, and I can't find a job--although I haven't looked too hard.

There are no jobs here. Whatever 'recovery' the press talks about is a lie.

I negotiated the sale of the business last summer, wrote up the agreement and closed it. Mom promptly took half the money, despite me being owed a lot more from the business.

I'm not sure how well I can handle any more failure. How often does a person have to get kicked in the teeth before they get the point?

It was so hard to focus for the bar. On the one hand, I think I did well. A day prior to the exam, I studied corporation derivative lawsuits and on the morning of I studied gifts casa mortis.

Both were topics of essays on the exam. My state recently raised the standards for passing on the exam, especially in regard to essay writing.

Nailing those two questions will really help.

In the end, I used the material as I saw fit and abandoned a pre-packaged approach that wasn't working for me.

I went back to studying for exams how I knew to study for exams: reviewing the shit out of essays, and outlining them, issue spotting them, and just working through it. Making the gears of my mind turn.

That got me on a run of 4.0 scores that led me to graduate with cum laude status, while commuting to school and running/selling a business.

And the after the day of the essays, I felt really, really strong and confident. I felt fucking good. I did, however, consume 2 whole 'Monster' energy drinks each day during exam time. Perhaps that had something to do with it.

Still I typed 5,000 words total. They have to find a way to dole out some points for me.

I think I did fine. Or at least, good enough.

There's a whole lot more going on, but that's good for now.

That, and I just want a partner. A partner that *wants* me, in a physical sense. A partner that appreciates me.

I don't have that.

In the end, I have to appreciate what I have, not count the things that I don't.

But I also have to make choices that lead to my happiness.

My life feels like a fucking cluster-fuck right now.

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