ss1

so, what the fuck, I don't know.
2012-02-03 - 1:58 p.m.


before/after
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Feeling diffident. Distracted. So much I should be doing, and yet, on this friday, I can't seem to motivate myself and do anything productive.

Thinking about a conversation I had with a friend from law school last night. He's doing his externship and is a semester away from graduating.

He was ebullient, if not lonely. Thrilled to be applying the skills we have both so diligently pursued.

Of course, he was able to assume twice the coursework than I am, because of the fact that I have to be here, running the business.

I'm just not where I want to be. I think I need to do something about it.

Which means either selling or closing the business down, a decision fraught with ramifications. For one, I get my health insurance via the business. I will have to purchase and provide it on my own. That will be an increase in cost.

Then there's the whole moving thing.

I think the thing that preys on my mind a bit, if not the most, is that this feels like one of the last links to my dad.

He built it on his own, by himself, no help from anyone. It is his legacy.

So I do...what? Close it down? Piss it away because it inconveniences me?

I know what dad would say/do if he were alive. He'd have likely sold it/closed it and moved us all on to the next chapter.

For all his faults, one thing about my dad was certain: he was a bit of a martyr for his children in some way.

If he knew my level of unhappiness and my desire to complete what I've started, regardless of the cost (or loss of face, I imagine) he would not only have encouraged me to do this, but would have forced my hand by now. Almost positive.

Almost definitely.

But he's gone, and I'm here, and I'm left with...this. How will it look to the community? How will this impact my employees? How will this impact the rest of my family? How will they feel about these things?

Will I look like a punk that can't hack it?

Will I look like a spoiled whiner that jumped ship as soon as the going got tough and my adolescent sense of whimsy wasn't sated?

I'm sure, regardless, everyone will judge.

And that suck, but...

I don't want to just throw away the legacy of my dad.

Maybe I don't have a choice. I don't know.

I don't know.

When I do, I suspect it will be like burying him another time.

Its pretty much inevitable. At some point I have to do an externship. Its difficult to envision an externship that I would get something out of while I still kept the business limping along.

Oh...yeah, about that? January we fell off the map. February has been brutal.

I'm just not making enough money here, in the pragmatic sense, to justify the stress I'm enduring and the impediment to my progress in school that I have to endure.

I suppose if someone swooped in with a nice sized check I'd take it and fly the coop like a rooster (cock!) unleashed.

If I'm to bury my father another time, it would be nice to be decently compensated for it. I KNOW dad would dig on that.

But I don't think there is any buyers in my small town. Not for its real value. Probably, for a fraction, if that.

And if I take it for a fraction, then I'm known as a fool, and I'll feel I have betrayed my father's legacy for a pittance. I'll feel weak. And I'll feel weak mentally, that I couldn't hack it but for the sake of a few thousand dollars.

Which is pathetic. I had a valuation done, and the median range, all equipment and price list, probably falls around the 200k mark.

Which, also, in this economy, is far from realistic. If I got six figures I'd be out the door and over the moon. I don't suspect I'll get that, if anything.

I have some guys interested in the client list. I'm positive they won't pay the fair price for that, either.

The client list could be worth up to 70-110k alone, if it goes for 10-15 bucks a record. Which it wont. And then there's going to be the discussion of what an 'active' record is worth, an 'inactive' record, and how you distinguish the two...what benchmarks you apply.

It would not surprise me to either receive little to no feedback on the purchase OR to get pennies on the dollar, if that. Instead of 70,000...7k. Wouldn't surprise me in the least.

And they'd frame that as a 'generous offer'. I'm not an idiot. I know how these things work. People will manipulate the fuck out of you for the sake of a few dollars. Its the world we live in.

Rather than take 7k (which, I must re-iterate, has not been offered. No offer has been made as yet.) I would just opt to close it down, or give it away.

I just don't want to deal with this anymore. I want to live my life. I want to move on to the next chapter.

And I feel guilty about saying that. Thinking about typing that makes me feel as if I'm petulant and whiny. Like a spoiled child stamping his feet.

Regardless, I feel something is going to happen soon. I can feel it in myself, that I'm going to make something happen.

I think. I will find out my options, get definitive, and...let go.

Which would be worse? Selling it for a pittance or not selling it for a pittance?

In which way would I look more the fool?

The fool who sells something valuable for a tenth the price?

Or the fool who never even got the tenth of the price?

Its thoughts like these that make me want to walk out of here with both my middle fingers stuck up.

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