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Missive From Up North, On The Deck before/after i'M SITTING ON THE DECK UP NORTH. tHE SUN IS SHINING. And the wind is blowing. The reflection of the sun off of the waves of the lake is beautiful. How many moments do we all let slip by and not appreciate the excruciatingly simple beauty of life? So cruel. So short. We seem to blunder through, paying attentino to all the things that don't matter. And the things that do? Well, they slip quietly by. Bye? By. MMM...the sun feels warm. I can barely see my computer screen...not really bothering to look. I have blue shorts on, sandals, and jhanes barnes polarized aviator sunglasses on. I guess if I really peer at this fucker I can see it, but its some fucking work. Does seem a bit incongrous, being out here, in the sun, watching the lake from the top of this bluff...and the internet...well, its here. Its all around, like weather we can't see. And there is NO ONE around. I love this. The whole lake is mine. I preside over it, like my cat does over her small section of the world. No, of course, nothing belongs to either of us, but in a sense...*it does*. All of it, spread out like a thundercould beneath us. We are all it, and it is us. make any sense? Probably not. Just toyou know? say, we are all one, and even though things may be great for you, or may be awful, it just is. We are told to worry, scratch and fight for all that doesn't matter, you know? And all these things that occupy the greater portion of our time...is so irrelevant. It will be gone, you know? It won't matter in the slightest when you're moldering in the grave. All this suffering, even this joy, perhaps, is temporal. doesn't last. Off in the distance, a cloud of seagulls roils over part of the lake I like to call "our bay". Its a neat section of the lake, deep, 30 foot or more deep, a bulbous section of water compared to the mile long length of the water. I like to take the boat out to the middle, crank the stereo up and swim. Lately I've taken to whipping out a life preserver, forcing it under my arms, and listening to either music or podcasts. Woawh, stiff wind kicks up again. The gulls are fishing, but also fighinng to stay in place. One time, when I was driving down to school, I had a moment that I felt was almost mystical. i watched a bird fly over this very large flooded field, and I tried to imagine what the bird thought and felt. What its existence was. To my surprise, I became immersed in the experience as I drove. Like an acid trip, or really strong pot, it seemed to last forever, but was only a moment or two. It was....a moment of pure existence with no thought. All its needs were met, and if they weren't, they would soon be met. Food, sleep. Dim memories of a nest that he used the night before, nothing much more than matted grass. In a way, this absence of thought was a bit like heaven. There was no concept of worry, not even fear, really. Just pure being. Or, as the expression goes, empty like the pale reflection of moonlight on the darkened water. Do you know what I mean? Imagine no cares whatsoever. In fact, imiagine no inner dialogue at all. Just simply being. Now, if I could imagine that for the rest of my life...what a life it would be. Probably nasty, brutish and short, really, due to all the rest of the people who really just want to profit, who seek to gain all the temporal gifts of transient earth. Am I any better? i don't know. I've been thinking about my life. Where will it go? What direction will it lead? But I know well enough that even if I make plans, it doesn't seem to much matter. Life has its own waltz all planned out for you. Sure, your decisions matter. They matter whole heartedly. But its decisions made within the dance, you see? If your plans and decisino making are from without the dance, it is...or seems to be...irrelevant. Enjoy the waltz. do a rumba for all that matters. Kick your head back with a laugh and enjoy. The wind died down for a second and the sun beat down hot, warming me up. The neighbor's boat cover is lashing in the breeze, daring to fly away. I want to help them, but I'm not sure how. Plus, people are weird. They might get pissed that I'm on their property in the first place. Such is the world we've created.... I want to swim naked. Anyway...as far as life, I know, or reasonably suspect, that I will get my JD and pass the bar. I thought I had an idea of what comes after that...maybe open up my own practice. But a glimpse of other livesw, other paths keep appearing, and I wonder, "Which one is me?" At some point, maybe I have to come to terms with myself. I'm just not a cubical creature. I've been often accused of being a free spirit, and maybe that's true, maybe not. I guess I can see many quixotic adventures ahead of me. I haven't told my friends, but one small part of me feels this way: the day I pass the bar is the day we all stopped getting fucked, and start doing the fucking. they say in law school "as you start out, watch out how much pro-bono work you do" and its true, I will have student loans to pay off. They also tell us not to take a case or cliient on principle. There is no money in it, the client won't listen, and will never be satisfied. Well, really, what better case is there? I'd love to litigate for my friends, for causes. I don't care if there's no money in it. I think, on some level, I'd just like to give the dick back to The Man for all the years that he's been fucking me.... Of course, the most sublime realization is that I *am* The Man. How's that for a mind-bender, eh? I am a white male, well educated, with a good pool of resources and connections. At some point, it might behoobe me to take responsibility for my environment. Change it somehow. Control it. And that leads us down another road... So much could happen, you know? And so little.... Maybe its hubris. I could accomplish a lot, most of it temporal, in my little drop of the pond water, amongst my fellow protozoa. Would it make me happy? That's the kicker, though. True happiness comes from within. Sometimes I feel like that bird. I just want my needs met, and let me dwell on the rest. Or not dwell...be. Swim in the beauty of existance. Didn't plato say that we need to acquaint ourselves with the good and the beautiful to know what truth was? Perfection of form? I know I started out years ago seeking out the good and the beautiful to acheive a finer moral definition. I suppose I'm still on that quest, somehow, someway. And there is so much beauty in the world, as almost to make one weep.
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