When His Past Is the Gift That Keeps On Giving

DEAR MARGO: I met and married the man of my dreams four years ago. Both of us were in our 40s, and obviously we each had a past. I was honest about mine; he said he just didn't remember things. After we married he remembered a few things . . . such as having sex with two women at the same time. I told him I found that disgusting. When he saw how shocked I was, he didn't tell me anything else.

Because he had a child from a previous relationship, his ex would call to talk about "Susie," and the conversation invariably turned to when they were together. She informed me that he'd had sex with her and some of her friends at the same time. When I confronted him, he fessed up. I asked if I knew any of the other girls. He stated no.

A few years passed and we ran into a guy he pretended not to remember. Come to find out not only was this guy involved in some of the "group activities," but he was also one of his good friends. He promised he would never lie to me again.

Just last week I was informed that a friend was moving next door with his girlfriend. I asked my husband if he knew the girl. He stated no. Come to find out she was a girl who was part of the "group."

What am I to do? He says he just wants to forget about these episodes, that they keep getting brought up and it's not fair to him. Well, excuse me, but I am the one being lied to and I am the one not wanting to be put in situations where I am in a roomful of people who've all had sex with my husband.

I don't think I can get past it. I believe a person's sexual preference does not change. Am I wrong?

--- HAUNTED BY HIS PAST

DEAR HAUNT: Oh, my. This man of your dreams was busy, wasn't he? I do think you're wrong, however, about being able to change. His wild oats, granted, would have filled several tanker trucks, but it does sound as though he's settled down and gotten the kinks out of his system.

Because he's never suggested the two of you expand your love life to include others, do work on letting bygones be bygones, as it were. Stop the mental pictures, and try to accept that when he was young and foolish he was young and foolish.

He will be most grateful for your mercy, and I feel certain there are no more skeletons to dance out of the closet.

--- MARGO, REGENERATIVELY

ARGENTUM:  Not surprisingly, I entirely disagree.  This is absolutely about your insecurities, and has nothing to do with him.  There is only one point you need to embrace here, HAUNTED, and that is the fact that YOU are the last person he has slept with.  He chose YOU.

When you choose someone, you embrace them.  You work in the present.  Full disclosure, especially at your age, actually isn't all that advisable, especially with someone as prudish as you.  And really, if you think a girl-girl-guy menage' a' trois is  'disgusting' and he was into large swinger/group-sex parties, I would guess that you would disapprove of a number of his activities IN THE PAST.

And that's the key, HAUNTED, it happened IN THE PAST.  It has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.  There is nothing he can do to change his past, is there, HAUNTED?  So you have a choice to make:  either you make peace with his past and maybe manage a chuckle whenever his racy past rears its ugly head, or you leave the relationship.  He's not rubbing your nose in it, and is actually doing his best to shield you from his past.  But make no mistake, unless he's cheated on your relationship in the present, then this is all about you.  Practice tolerance and acceptance, of yourself and others.

Plus, it wouldn't kill you to experiment a little before you die, you uptight prude.