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All Caught Up
2007-11-13 - 2:51 p.m.
before/after
strangely
non-functional guestbook
Woke up with a
fuckin' headache. Have taken a Vicodin.
Way to fuck up the day, body.
Bastard.
Or is it the mind...? A remenant of a migraine that fired off
in the night? I don't know. I am sensitive to light
right now. Unfortunately, it is sunny today for the first
time in about a week.
So headache be damned. I will not slink around in darkness.
Although...I mean...I WILL be wearing shades when I step outside.
But then, I wear my sunglasses anyway, even if its cloudy.
I am feeling better from my surgical procedure.
Have been for awhile. They certainly addressed my
issues of pain, thankfully.
Years ago I had a surgeon malpractice on me...badly...twice, I think.
Once definitely, and once is enough.
So I have to periodically go through painful procedures as I heal.
I have another one in three months, so they can see what is
happening to me.
BUT, in three months I may be totally healed/recovered, which is big
news. What has happened to me has changed me. I
have been to places of pain the human mind should not go. I
have prayed, repeatedly, for my death, which has never occurred.
I was prepared in every way. I longed for death not
out of derpression, but simply a means to end physical torment which
was beyond imagining. I have not told this to anyone, and
likely will not. My family and friends love me dearly, and I
do not wish to worry them. Indeed, they are what has kept me
going. That, and I guess Im not too much of a suicide fucker,
otherwise I would have done it by now.
In the past year, as I have recovered, the pain has subsided, and I am
left feeling kind of bitter. I have compassion for everyone
and everything. I do not wish anyone to suffer, let alone
suffer as I have. Although no one has said anything to me,
sometimes I feel my jokes come out snarky, or mean spirited.
I have a gift for a don rickles type of humor when I want it,
and that's a fine line to walk.
In the midst of most my suffering, I kept a job, and took the LSAT.
I read poetry and produced an album of spoken word.
I was part of a two-man band that allowed others to sit in
frequently as we tried to expand the lineup. We were
successful locally and produced two live albums which sold well at our
shows.
The dr.s were amazed at my threshold for pain, and consistently
expressed surprise that I was functional.
Eventually the suffering got too bad and I had to leave my job.
I was disabled for the most part, barely able to get out of
bed. I went to the Mayo clinic in Minnesota and they have
done so much to help me. I have three teams of dr.s working
on me. I am incredibly amazed by that place, and would
recommend it to anyone. It is how modern medicine should be.
When I see a dr. around here and not at Mayo, they almost
feel backwards in their approach and knowledge base. I never
wait more than 15 minutes for anything there, and all depts. there are
so cohesive its scary. My first week there was a trip.
In one day I had three major diagnostic procedures, including
and an experimental form of a cat-scan over my whole torso.
Then next day I had an MRI for my torso. They
checked EVERYTHING out. I also had bloodwork the first day.
Getting that kind of comprehensive look over in your local
medical community would take you several months. It took
three days there. They didn't miss a thing. The
dr.s call each other when Im in the room. They're not scared
to talk and consult in front of me. They even come to see me
when I'm somewhere else, and call me periodically on my cell.
I couldn't be happier with what they've done for me, which is
to give me back my life.
To put a bottom line on it: they CARE. And they
don't give a shit about making their boat payment, unlike the dr. that
fucked me up hardcore. My one fave dr., Bob (we go
on first name basis), told me his philosophy: there are certain
surgeries that are good for the dr. and not the patient.
I only do surgeries that are good for the patient.
I really like Bob. He insisted on going to the waiting room
to meet Audrey. He walked me to my next appointment.
(they schedule everything in blocks) He's a good guy.
Would I get that from a local dr.? Are you fucking kidding me?
I am now working part-time for the family business while I finish
getting well.
I
did well enough on the LSAT to go to law school, which I plan to do in
the fall. I am in the middle of the application process right now.
My class
reunion contacted me. I was class president every time I ran
for class president. They asked me about certain class
members. I told them to look them up via the offender
tracking service provided by the government. As a result, I
believe I got snubbed for an invitation. Not that I would
have went, anyway. High school sucked major schlong, and I
have very few happy memories.
I may sue the fuck out of that dr. if it is still possible.
I'm not sure it is.
And I got engaged in July to Audrey.
There is no date set.
There, now we are all caught up. I suppose I'll expound in
greater detail on things later.
TMI?
Its my blog and I'll cry if I want to.
I guess I could understand if people are weirded out or
whatever by me telling them all this. Everyone's different,
and my experience has shown that a percentage of people don't respond
well to information like that. Friendships and relationships
can, and have, ended from health-related disclosures in my experience.
Hey, what can I say, I'm sorry a dr. fucked me up.
I' m sorry that I have an illness. I refuse to let that
define me.
But, in the end, I think their reaction to that says more about them
than about me.
Not everybody has the depth of character to deal.
*shrugs*
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