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Advice
2006-08-10 - 18:24


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[ed. note:  Argentum continues his advice column]

 

DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and have a complicated problem. My mother, whom I love very much and who is one of the most wonderful women ever, has, at 41, found herself in a very difficult situation. She recently confided to me that her marriage of almost 12 years to my stepfather has been extremely unsatisfactory -- especially in the bedroom. He has absolutely no interest in the deed at all, and, as a normal, red-blooded woman, she does.

I suggested they seek professional guidance, but they have yet to do so. To further confuse the situation, Mom has found herself attracted to a 28-year-old co-worker who is also very attracted to her and has made his feelings known.

I am not sure how to advise her about this. On the one hand, it's wrong to have an affair. But on the other hand, you only get one life, and I want her to be happy. Mom is a wonderful woman and deserves everything good in life, and I don't know what to tell her. Please help, Abby. -- IN A HOT SPOT IN TUCSON

Ewww.  Fuckin' creepy.  HOT-SPOT--Stay out of your parent's sex lives, Ok?  Its fine to know if they're affectionate (or not), but you're crossing a line that shouldn't be crossed, and involving yourself in something that shouldn't be a part of your life.  Besides that, I think you're digging on the power that the position you've creepily carved for yourself is giving you.  Its all unhealthy.   Trust me, you're better off not knowing and staying way the hell out of such things.

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I are throwing a large 40th anniversary/60th birthday party for my parents and sending them on a trip as our gift to them.

In lieu of gifts, my sister sent out invitations that stated we would instead be graciously accepting donations to help pay for the trip. Because the range of donations will vary from person to person, my sister has decided to give Mother a list detailing the amount given by each guest. She feels that because some folks may go "above and beyond" what others donate, our mother needs to know who the most generous gifts come from.

I am vehemently opposed to the idea. I feel that any donation that helps to pay for the trip is "above and beyond" anyone's obligation, and that their being part of the celebration is enough -- regardless of how much they give.

I see no reason for my parents ever to know who gives what, and think that my sister sharing the information is in terrible taste. Your thoughts, please? -- EMBARRASSED IN PITTSFORD, N.Y.

EMBARASSED.  You remind me of this one girl I dated.  Her birthday would roll around and she would say to people "It's my birthday!  We're going out!  We're going out for dinner!".  She was all inviting-like.  Very warm and cordial.  Then she'd take them out to the most expensive sushi-bar in the city, and order lavishly.  Then the check would come and she would make everyone else pay for her meal.

It always struck me as a low-class thing to do.  That's pretty much what you're doing, and its a bit tacky, if not downright shitty.  People will talk about you behind your back because of this, and nothing nice will be said.

As far as a gift list, you must be out of your mind.

(And as far as the girl I dated, she had a really, really hairy bush (disco bush) and wouldn't blow me.  The final straw was when she farted one night while I was taking off her panties.  Loudly.  Like a guy fart.  It was over after that.  I still got my nut off that night, to my shame, but in my mind, it was through.  There's no coming back in the guy fart with the panties coming off scenario.  Not if it happens in the first six months.  And she laughed about it.  She LAUGHED, then apologized like an afterthought. Don't fucking fart in my face and expect me to fall for you at some point, because it just isn't happening.

Of course, she was embarrassed the next day, and tried to play it off/hope I didn't mention it.  I mentioned it once and let it go.  Let it all go.  And though I don't kiss and tell, in this instance I made an exception.  I told all my friends.  For one, its a great story.  For two, don't fart in my fuckin' face and expect me to be cool with it.  Don't expect me to keep your fuckin' secret.   I don't care how drunk you were.  I'm not keeping that a secret.)


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