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More Advice From Argentum before/after
[ed. note: Argentum remains intransigent and demands to be an advice columnist. We here at the editorial desk tried to direct him back towards normal blogging, plying him with promises of Vicodin and artillery-style firework demonstrations. Unfortunately, he could not be swayed.]
DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old woman who has been married
for four months to an amazing man. We have a wonderful
marriage and are looking forward to growing old
together. However, I have a slight problem:
I have a baby blanket I have had
since I was a baby and have
slept with it since before I
could walk. When I turned 16, I
told myself I'd get rid of it.
Sixteen turned to 18, 18 turned
into getting rid of it when I
graduated from college, which
turned into getting rid of it
when I married.
I am now married and have no intention of getting rid of it. I guess I've held onto it because it's familiar. (We moved far from home after our wedding.) My husband says he doesn't mind, and I'm sure he's not lying, but it's a little embarrassing. I can't fall asleep without it. I even watch TV with it in my lap or read with it behind my head. Do you think it's ridiculous for me to have a baby blanket at 24 with a new, wonderful husband, or should I just keep it and not worry? -- K.T., IN KENTUCKY K.T., you're a fuckin' freak. The only thing that is creepier than this letter is the fact that you fuck your husband on this blanket. (And if you haven't you should.) Discard this symbol of your childhood. Grow up. Burn the blanket, get on with life. --Argentum
DEAR ABBY: I have finally been
reunited with my 30-year-old
son, who was in the Marines as a
sergeant in Iraq. He
decided he wanted to get in
touch with his dad after 15
years. I welcomed him with open
arms. I love my son
very much. Is it wrong for me to
want to hug him?
He is married, and I have just met his wife. She's a great person and a wonderful daughter-in-law. She met me at the door with a hug. I told them both that I love them, always have and always will, and it wasn't my choice that we were separated. I don't ever want us to be separated again. He told me, "Dad, I love you, too," but he's not too keen about the hugs all of a sudden. (It was OK the first couple of visits.) I just want him to know I really love him. Do you think my son is too old to be hugged? -- DEMONSTRATIVE DAD IN PENNSYLVANIA Jeez, DEMON DAD, lay off the man-on-man action. Some guys just aren't into it. So you abandoned the little fucker fifteen years ago, do you really think he wants to get all snuggly now? I seriously doubt it. Lay off the touchy-feely man-love until you both are more comfortable together. And some guys are never into that shit. Keep that in mind. Plus, he's not here to reassure you about your insecurities regarding your absent fatherhood. Lay off the prick. --Argentum
DEAR
ABBY: My
father
recently
died. My
co-workers
took up
a
collection
to give
to me.
It has
always
been my
understanding
that
gifts
such as
this
should
be used
for the
funeral
expenses.
Therefore,
I passed
the
money on
to my
mother.
When I mentioned it to a couple of my co-workers and friends, they said I should have kept the money for myself -- that was the intent. Was I wrong to pass it on to my mother? She is the one paying for the funeral and needs the money for a headstone, etc. -- LINDA IN EDINBURG, ILL. Yeah, you shoulda' kept that shit, nigga'. What the fuck is wrong with you? For proprieties sake, yeah, you did the right thing. But since when has doing the right thing made anyone rich? Keep that shit, nigga'! Keep it! --Argentum
DEAR MARGO: I've been married to my husband for
eight years, and we have a lot of laughs, good sex and a happy life
overall. The only thing he would like to add to our marriage is an
occasional sexual threesome.
I've replied that we can use this
fantasy, but to actually do it would not work for me. Last week, the
two of us went to a business convention. In past years, there was
always a big party scene in the evenings, and my husband, being by
himself, always met lots of people and danced, drank and flirted until
all hours of the night, and always told me about how much fun he had.
This has nothing to do with threesomes. He's fucking around on you. And if he hasn't already, he will. He carries condoms around, fer' fuck's sake! They're not being used with you! They're being used with someone else! Its not like he's wearing them to jerk himself off! He's cheating on you! If you can handle that, stay married. If not, get divorced. Otherwise, don't be a dipshit. p.s. regardless, everyone should be down with the occasional threesome. --Argentum DEAR MARGO: I just learned my 14-year-old
daughter has had sex with her slightly older boyfriend. While I would
have said she was mature and supervised, I clearly missed something.
Teenagers fuck, CONFUSED. A lot. That's what they do. Get over it. Buy her some birth control, get some coffee together and talk it through. If you didn't get laid as a teen, then likely you were unattractive, a priss, uptight, or otherwise generally undesirable. Don't push your sexual issues on your kid. The more uptight you make her about it, the more she will rebel in sexual behavior. America's uptight, faux-puritan values rub me raw. I'd rather have a fourteen year old fucking than holding a machine gun and killing people. How about you? --Argentum
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