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Advice Column Attempt before/after
{ed. note: We here at Saintly Stories pride ourselves on offering a cornucopia of literary experience for both the casual and dedicated reader. In our effort to pursue new horizons and fulfill dreams yet unacheived, the editorial desk has come forward to offer a periodical advice column. Seeing as no one has come to the editorial desk seeking said advice, we will venture forward to answer the letters submitted to other advice columnists, because, really, they only give shitty, fake advice anyway. We keep it real, here at Saintly Stories. And don't you forget it.
Beeyotch.}
DEAR MARGO: Our 20-year-old daughter has been
involved for two years with a young man who
smokes, drinks too much, is controlling, quit
school and can't hold down a job.
He has no car, so our daughter has to do all the driving back from college to see him every weekend. In no way is he the kind of potential son-in-law we would have hoped for, but it is looking as though this boy may be in our daughter's life for a long time. Because we have objected to her relationship with him from the beginning, we have very little contact with him. More than anything, we want to maintain a good relationship with our daughter, whom we love. We would never want her to have to choose between him and us -- we know we would lose. How can we deal with the worry over her making a life-altering mistake if she marries him? Is it hypocritical for us to try to accept this loser in order to keep close to our daughter? Why would a girl from a nice family choose a boy with such different values than she grew up with? -- DISAPPOINTED, SAD AND WORRIED Yep. She likes losers. Go fig. Maybe she's rebelling against your uptight, white-bread, controlling, republican-voting suburbanite ass. You go upstairs, and guaranteed, he's in her pants. He's fucking her on your couch while you go into the kitchen to get a midnight snack as they 'snuggle' underneath the covers, supposedly watching a movie...oh, wait, that's me. Never mind. Yeah, she's rebelling. You put more pressure on the situation, she'll either marry him, or start dating black guys. Frankly, it sounds like your gene pool could use an injection of black cock. Try to be less controlling and criticizing. Be prepared for her to make some relationship mistakes. Ride it out, everyone has to learn to walk by falling a few times. And don't put any pressure on the kid, or she will have a porn career before too long. --Argentum
DEAR MARGO: My
husband, "Sean,"
and I have been
married for
eight and a half
years and known
each other for
nine. Almost two
years ago, my
husband was on a
business trip a
few states away
from where we
live. He and a
few friends went
to a strip club
to drink and
watch the
strippers strut
their stuff.
Now, in the state we live in, they are only allowed to show off their bikinis after stripping off their clothes, but in the state where he was, they took everything off. Anyway, as most guys do, he got a lap dance, which I guess is a common thing with the type he hangs out with. Then another thing occurred that has me a bit riled up. He paid to go into the back room and get a private "strip/lap dance." The problem I have is that my husband claims that while this stripper was on his lap, all they did was talk about their families. For some reason I doubt that a man would pay 00 for a private lap dance just to talk about his family with a stripper. That night he called me and told me about what had transpired and swore that nothing had happened other than a naked woman who was not me sat on his lap. Am I overreacting, or should I threaten him that if I find out from his "friends" that there was more going on than talking, there will be hell to pay? -- DESPERATE TO GET OVER MY FRUSTRATION Get. The. Fuck. Over. It. Repeat after me: Nothing happens in the Champagne Room. First off, if your husband is out there fucking strippers on business trips, then really, this is the least of your worries. You think he'd only cheat on you while out of town? Get real. If he's cheating there, he's cheating EVERYWHERE. The guy you got is so whipped that he felt so guilty he called you after getting a lap dance. Nothing fucking happened, and you're an uptight c-u-n-t that needs the hell fucked out of her. Explore your fantasies. Be open and honest. If you have an honest relationship, then you'll know what happened. Because he will tell you. Which he already did, you jealous old spinster fuck! ---Argentum
DEAR MARGO: I am
a 15-year-old
guy living with
my father and
stepmother after
a falling out
with my mom. My
father has this
thing where he
forbids my
stepmom to wear
a bra, even when
we go out.
We will go to the movies or out to eat, and his "rule" is in effect. Dad also likes her to wear dresses that are low cut. It's a little uncomfortable to be able to see your stepmom's breasts bounce. (She just turned 31 and is fairly well endowed.) I've heard her tell my father she worries that her breasts will sag from the lack of support. My dad argues that there is no evidence of that and she looks fine. I'll grant my dad that. She looks great . But why would he force her to do this? I've heard him say that the matter is closed. -- BILL HAHAHAHA! You're hot for your step-mom, BILL. You sick fuck! High-school must SUCK for you. Have fun pulling pud to thoughts of your mother, you creepy little fuck! And stop worrying about your mother's rack, BILL. Haizus-Christie! --Argentum
DEAR MARGO: I always got along well with my
husband's family: his mother, a brother and two sisters. The problem I
have now is with my sister-in-law, "Janice."
Janice has always searched for Mr. Wrong and even had a son out of wedlock. The baby's father couldn't marry her because he was still married. We took all this in stride, supporting her as a "single mother" and helping her out. We were glad she wasn't able to marry that guy because he was controlling and psycho. (For example, she wasn't allowed to attend my daughter's baptism because "other men" would be there.) She left him and had an affair with her high school sweetheart. This sounds cute until you realize that the sweetheart is still married with two kids. This man has spent time in jail for heroin possession and domestic violence. He is now living with my sister-in-law and her son. My husband and his brother no longer speak to her, and while I tried to be sympathetic, I can no longer maintain the relationship. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law have accepted Janice's new man, but the thought of him makes my stomach turn. Right now, my young kids don't really notice they don't see her or their cousin, but eventually they'll start asking questions. I feel conflicted about what to say, but I just can't pretend anymore. -- SICKENED Tell them the truth, SICKEND. Janice is a skank and her husband is a loser. They'll have picked up on it by now, anyway.
DEAR MARGO: I was actually surprised when my
foot doctor offered me a job as his receptionist on my second office
visit. I started working for this almost 70-year-old doctor about two
months ago on a part-time basis.
Things were working out well at the beginning.
I would only work twice a week, and he even offered to pay me in cash.
In addition, the job is located pretty close to my school.
This all seemed too good to be true. (It was.) After the doctor returned from his one-week vacation, things started to change. One day, while I was putting files away in the back of his office, he got up from his chair and landed his old, married, saggy lips on my mouth and kissed me. Besides being freaked out, embarrassed and humiliated, I stood there motionless. From that day on, I have allowed his kissing and fondling to continue because of plain fear: fear of him claiming me on his taxes as an employee and ruining my eligibility for my scholarship (it's only for unemployed students). Most of all, I'm afraid of him. Now he keeps bringing up the subject of sex. I can plainly see what he expects of me next. Please advise me on what to do because this situation has stressed me out so much that it's ruining my health. -- FREAKED BY DR. JEKYLL AND HYDE HAHAHA! Repeat after me FREAK. "I am a whore." I hope you're comfortable with that, because that is what you're doing: whoring yourself out for this scholarship. "From that day on, I have allowed his kissing and fondling to continue because of plain fear: fear of him claiming me on his taxes as an employee and ruining my eligibility for my scholarship (it's only for unemployed students). " If you're not comfortable with that, then quit. If you are, then take it to another level. See what you can pry out of the skeezy old bastard. Hope you like grey pubic hair caught in the back of your throat. --Argentum
DEAR MARGO: I
have emerged
from the belly
of hell within
the past seven
years, coming
from a very poor
neighborhood, a
mother who's a
heavy marijuana
user, a broken,
fatherless home,
and years of
witnessing my
mother's abusive
relationships
involving
domestic
violence.
I married my high school sweetheart. We've moved away from family (we're in the military) and are very pleased with the way our life is going. The only problem is that I feel I have left my family to suffer in their environment while I am off to new and better things. I have weekly telephone conferences about my siblings' abusive relationships, low income, lack of transportation, employment problems, as well as my mother's continued marijuana use, unemployment and current relationship with a drug trafficker. I feel helpless that I cannot help them out. I wouldn't know where to start! My husband never has these types of problems with his family, and with him being the main breadwinner, I can't ask him to take care of us and my family. These issues are a huge burden for me. I feel I escaped and left my family in Alcatraz. What is a sister/daughter to do to help her loved ones? -- FEELING LIKE I'M ON PAROLE BLAH BLAH BLAH "I'm so much better than them." That's all I read when I read your letter, PAROLE. You think you're so much above the rest of your family, and you just want to extend a helping hand to the lower class. You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you and your pretentious ass. I bet there's a few people in your family that are dying to say that to you, as well. Except they're hoping for some kind of handout and don't want to alienate the only line to money that they have. Family dynamics are just that. Dynamic. Each part of the family plays a role and puts dynamic pressure on the other parts. We all make our choices, and our choices affect each member of the family. They are where they are as much as because of you as because of them. And vice versa. So help how you can, however you can, PAROLE. And love them. But don't fucking look down on another human being the rest of your life, you pretentious fuck.--Argentum
DEAR MARGO: I am
a 38-year-old
successful
female who is
emotionally and
financially
secure. I have
been told that I
am very
attractive and
intimidate men.
I would like to
get married but
am thought to be
too independent.
In the past, I just thought that these men
were needy. However, I was having a group discussion in mixed company
where a man said it seems like women don't need men anymore.
I feel as though women were forced to become independent and support themselves. Now, men seem to be threatened by our success. Do I need to act like I "need" men to find my soulmate? I abhor needy females, yet I do want to share my life with someone with the ultimate goal of getting married and perhaps having children. What is ironic is that I would walk away from my career for the right man and situation. In many ways, I feel like I would rather be alone than have to acquiesce to a man's ego. -- MS. INDEPENDENT MS.INDEPENDENT. What you really want is for a man to tuck his sack behind his legs and put on some rouge and eyeshadow for you. Maybe a dress, and sashay back and forth for you. You probably won't get over these feelings until you strap on a strap-on, and corn-hole some guy into submission. Honestly, there are enough guys out there who would be glad to either submit or mooch off of you that it really makes me doubt the veracity of your letter. You haven't found the right guy yet. Big deal. Its not time to hit the panic button, although it is getting to the later innings if you want to have children. But the real kicker is that you're not being honest with yourself. Figure out what you want and let it happen. Focus on yourself, not those around you. And be all right with yourself, with who and what you are. Everything else will fall into place. --Argentum
DEAR MARGO: I was diagnosed with
post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) a few months after Hurricane
Katrina. As I was living in New Orleans at the time, I am still
dealing with the aftereffects such as insurance problems, etc.
I am in love with a man who lives in another country thousands of miles away who is being treated with medication to control Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Our personalities clash quite a lot. As these are both diseases related to anxiety disorders, I am wondering if it is a good idea to keep this relationship active while I am recovering from the PTSD. Professionals tell me that OCD seems never to go away but can only be controlled, while PTSD can be treated and sometimes cured. I am in a dilemma. Any advice? -- BABS You two nuts are fucked. You deserve each other. Think about this, BABS. You clash a lot. Why the fuck would you want to be with someone with whom you clash a lot? AND he lives in another country. You don't even see this cock-sucker and already you're fighting? Fucking hell, woman. Forget the PTSD and OCD alphabet soup for a moment, look at what you're saying and what you got! Desperation knows no bounds, and only one scent. (That scent being CK ONE.) Get your shit together and date someone within reasonable driving distance. Quit being a fucking idiot. --Argentum (p.s. and don't ever, ever, EVER have kids)
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