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You Disrespectin' Me?
2004-12-29 - 11:19 p.m.


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I was listening to the radio on the way to work.


Every once in a while I thumb through the stations to hear what's out there.  Usually there is nothing much.


Sometimes I happen upon the Christian radio station.  At my time in the morning, my drive time, they generally seem to have some vaguely Scottish man pseudo-preaching to what sounds like a large audience of men and women.  I like the accent, diluted as it is.


Plus the interweaving of dogma with traditional counseling is mesmerizing.  You can hear a lot of things in what he says, but the most prominent seems to be a message of inclusion and a cessation of free thinking.   It is a siren song, and usually I listen to it wishing I could give up all doubt, all freewill, all free thinking and just be a lemming.


Its hopeless for me.  I just can't do it.


But among the truths he hit upon, as his schpiel on this day was a sort of marriage counseling talk, and how a woman's respect for a guy matters to a guy on a deep level.


Strangely true.  Eeriely so.


Not in a corporal sense, but more in a sense of respect as a human being, as a man.


I've had it and lost it.  At least twice.  And it sticks with you, as a guy.   You wonder how you lost it, what you did.  It haunts you, makes you sad and bitter.  Its one of those things, like telling a woman you no longer love her, that a woman shouldn't verbalize to a man.  Because, believe me, he knows.  And it hurts.


It makes you feel diminished.  Pathetic.  In my case, I struggled in ways, I guess.  Slept with girls I shouldn't have.  Whatever.


For a long time I had the feeling that I would love to earn it back, but had no idea how.


But in the end, the strange thing is, its not in any girl's power to give that back to you.  It seems to be something you give to yourself.   You earn from yourself, however you do. 


Grudgingly, freely, however you can do it.


If a girl ever wanted to have a little fun, just verbalize that you respect your man, as in, "You know, so-and-so, I respect you, and the things you do.  I just wanted you to know that."


Its a nice affirmation, and she will have that guy wrapped around her finger, even if he mocks the statement to dissemble how much it means to him, being scared of open emotion as many guys are.  That affirmation is just a button that can be pushed on many guys, that women never seem to avail themselves to.  On a real basal, honest level that a lot of guys won't own up to, I think most men would rather lose the love than the respect of the woman they are with.  I'd rather feel alone than like a punk. Being alone isn't quite so bad.


And I know that sounds patriarchal.  And it does flop into stereotypical roles that the church would like to push.  I'm keen on mutual respect, rather than some role straight out of the 1950's.


But if a few girls that had crossed my path had said that, instead of bitter, hurtful things as they left.  Even if they had flat out lied.  It would have definitely been more tolerable than the alternative. 


Then again, some people just want to hurt, because they hurt on the inside. 


But that's a whole different story.


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