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Winning One For The Common Man
2004-10-21 - 9:22 a.m.


before/after
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I am consistently paranoid that the teenage fuckers that work the minimum wage slave jobs in fast food restaurants are spitting in my food.


Not that they would do it every time.  Or have ever done it.  And I dont give them the slightest reason.


But I find myself analyzing the interaction I have with them through the speaker stand.  Was he pissed the way he said that?  Are they turning around and giving the code?


"CODE 13, ASSHOLE ALERT!  DID YOU HEAR THE WAY HE REPEATED HIS ORDER!  EXPECTORATE NOW!"


Which may or may not be true.  Logically, I dont think they ever have.  Then again, they do have the retarded that work for Taco Bell.


Anyway, today I got my revenge on those fuckers.  Those pricks. Those assholes down at McDonald's.  I evened the score.  It is now Public:  1  McD's:  0 


(I never really learned how to count)


Because I have this theory, and its justified, that if you make me wait to get my food too long at one of your joints, I am totally empowered to clean out my change dish (read:  cupholder) and convert whatever currency I have laying there into food.  Yes, if you are bad at your job, Im not helping you and you will count my corroded pennies, motherfucker.  COUNT THEM.


And they are corroded.  I had a bottle of hand sanitizer, the kind with all alcohol, tipped upside-down in it once on a hot day.  It was nearly full.  Then it leaked all over my change, and I did nothing about it.  What was there to do?  Now I had clean change, and who knows, maybe this will come in handy some time.  Maybe I killed some wandering ebola virus that was living up a bum's ass where he stored his stash of pennies.  Won't get stolen.  Safer than a bank.


It was like some low-grade high-school science experiment.  The kind where the teacher is absent one day, and you and your lab partner just start mixing chemicals to "see what happens".  The car reeked of some kind of clean/coppery smell.  And the pennies took on a strange greenish gray color.  They corroded.  Almost looked like they were in the process of something serious happening, but then, I never took a chemistry class after high-school.  For a little while, I was concerned for my cup-holder.  Maybe I made some strange new concoction that would eat away at my car.  Stranger things have happened.


So, anyway, I have all this change.  And lots of time.  Some little girl took my order, but there was a hold-up.   And during the wait, I feverishly converted the 97 cents change into pennies as quickly as I could.  I got to somewhere around 37, one at a time.  A healthy fistful of change.  A healthy fistful of nasty assed, corroded penny change.


When I pulled up to the counter, I saw the hold-up.  It was a team effort at the register.  Some seventeen year old punk was trying to act cool in his mcdonald's uniform and pick up on the fifteen year old girl wearing braces taking the order, while he received the change.  They were ineffective.  However, he was making her laugh, and, in the process, slowing everyone's day down.


Now, I dont mind.  I dont.  I really dont care.  I dont move like that.  Things have their reason and purpose, and it often has nothing to do with me.  Karma is real.  However, I do have this policy of converting change at fast food joints.  And the thought of laying this much change on the cat was making me laugh.  And when I saw him being joe cool...well...one can resist only so much temptation in life.


The little window opened.  The girl stood behind him, laughing, probably charmed with his mcdonald's savvy. And I leaned over out of my car, and in an aggressive, obnoxious tone, a voice of command, of ball-breaking, a tone of voice that let him know that HE was the weak, and I was the tyrrany of evil men, said, "HERE'S SOME CHANGE FOR YOU, DUDE."


And I plopped a large handfull of coroded, nasty-assed chalky green pennies in his waiting hand.  Then I gave him my two singles one at a time.


He looked out at me from the window with green-hatted head, blonde hair falling over his eyebrows, his brown eyes saying one thing, just one thing, 'you DICK!', like I had just pissed on his leg and laughed in his face about it, his joe cool blown, busted to the level of mcdonald's drivethrough guy, and said, "Have a nice day."


I pulled ahead and laughed like a motherfucker.  I barely contained it when I did it.  And I laughed like an evil prick bastard for a good while after that.


Public:  1  McDonald's Drive Through Workers That Only Spit In My Food In My Paranoid Delusions:  0


Take that, you greasy, motherfuckers!  TAKE THAT!  EAT! IT! EAT! IT!


Fuck yeah.  Laid the corroded green penny smack down on his ass.


Bee-yotch.


 


 


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