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Moral Decisions That Make Me Look Like a Wiennie before/after Poetry reading tonite, wild, still processing it all. Things need to mull, to marinade, marinate? Whatever. I had an opportunity to have casual oral sex (read: get strings free head) tonite after the reading, with a girl I want very badly. Except she's married. So I didn't. I didn't even kiss her. See, I guess because I've had an affair with a married woman before, and part of what bothered me was how okay I was with it. Aside from the word "amoral" floating across my brain incessantly in the quiet moments with myself. Aside from that. I didn't really feel "bad". Just...blank. No feeling. And that's a story I'll have to tell you, that illicit affair. Tawdry, tawdry. Some other time. I try not to do things that morally make me cringe or feel less confident in myself. This allows a lot of leeway, but still, I have some sort of innate, internal guide. I really didn't have that guide with me tonite, and it was by a razor thin margin I didn't take advantage of the situation. And I feel bad about that. As a guy, you are encouraged to take every opportunity you are presented with, and in fact, it is supposed to be a sign of your virility and masculinity to do so. In fact, if you don't, people...girls and guys both...think there is something "wrong" with you. Even challenge your sexual orientation. Its like, you HAVE to abide by this unwritten more'. The pressure is rather present. I don't like that pressure. On one hand, I'm always close to becoming the guy who fucks any girl. On the other...I don't know. I want this girl badly, but often I want to do the right thing. But sometimes the right thing, in the context of masculine roles, isn't always the right thing. Also considering, in that, I've never made a moral policy decision one way or the other about participating in someone else's infidelity. Yeah, pissed off husband ramifications are there, but am I morally bound? I suppose so. I really wanted her. *sigh*
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