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Crazy Dumbsaint Horror
2003-06-29 - 1:57 a.m.


before/after
strangely non-functional guestbook

Something I never told you.

'SO HAPPY TOGETHER'.  By the animals.  You know the song.

Something about that song strikes me as unalterably sad, scary, lonely.  Something in the backing vocals, something in the refrain, something about the cacaphony of sound rings sad notes in the back of my melancholy mind.  And thinking of it now, it becomes macabre, twisted, men dressed in black, like meamenschauntnz, playing guitar and singing from rolling bass to screetching prancing about monkey like, mocking, taunting, a song to filthy dead end obsession and pain hate gone love, 'So happy togethersohappytogethersohappytogethersohappytogether'.

High pitched witch-like screetching, 'bah-dah-dah-daahhhhh-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah,"

The sheer uncalibrated horror making my bones ache. Spirits follow me about like the psychotic schizophrenic delusions of john nash in 'A beautiful mind'.  Or  maybe not.  I don't know.

Perhaps its some rebellious part of my mind, gone into the sadistic delight of tormenting me furthur.  An axiom of my life.

My nightmares had gone unremembered for a week or so.  Maybe it makes sense that they woke me up at four a.m. and never let me go, torturing me, tormenting me everytime I drifted off and came to sleep's doorway, ready to be gripped in Morpheus' capricious arms, only to hear whispering of robberthievesintruders come to savagely beat me in my bed unawares, jolting awake again and falling asleep to dreams of my head being beaten rudely again, me tortured, until finally waking and staying awake until sunup, the nightmares receding into layawake dreamthoughts, uncontrolled in duration but depth of range of emotion non-existant, like movies playing in my head unnattached to any cerebral core, any hippocampic thought, no emotional center connection.

And clowns.

Remembering now a clown poster, a poster for a nearby small town fair, seeing it as a small child, being chilled to the bones by the thoughts and looks of a murderous clown with stars for eyes ringed by darkness and red outline of area, white face, red nose, darkness for a beard ringed again by red, an evil grin highlighting his malevolent face, eager to crawl in my window and slice my small body from pee-pee to throat and root through my organs with his white gloved hands.

Years later, many years, I found the pole upon which said poster was indeed posted.  It was still a clown, perhaps a bit evil looking and eerie, but just a clown.

Sometimes I neglect to mention myself in the matrix.  Thoughts of being on a juvenile shoplifting spree, stealing stupid, useless shit, but enjoying the rebellion of it anyway, my erst-while friend looking at me, "Hey man, shouldn't we lock the car?"  and looking at him and saying, "Why?  We are the reason people lock their cars."

In the end, I face my fears, always.  Always they have to deal with me.

 

(Also, I maintain that the 'giant clown with midget clowns emerging from within his giant clown suit, who then come and bite your ankles' is a recipe for horror.)


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