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Confessions of a Scapegoat, pts. 6 & 7 before/after
Confessions of a Scapegoat
parts 6 & 7: Dynamic in Effect
I showed up on wednsday at 9:00. Thomas, our old family friend, was there, and they were playing euchre. Brother's finace was there, drunk, and more annoying to me than previously.
Dad asked me to tell the story of my meeting with the Boss. Encouraged me repeatedly. Then when I started, preceeded to cut me off, tell his own story, dominate the conversation, and pretty much make sure I was ignored.
It was weird. Frustrating.
Not that I want to be the center of attention in this. I usually don't, and end up as such.
But it pisses me off to be in that sitution. Why ask, and then do that? Just let me sit and be. I don't care.
Thursday night we went to eat at a steak place in Westminster. It was okay. I've eaten well this week, and its good for my physicality.
Given that I still work out like an animal, or, as Roomie puts it, like I'm in prison, ("I am in prison." I retort.), whenever I can increase my protein intake, or calories in general, it does well for me. Given practice, and as much food as I like and want, I can eat like a motherfucker and not put on any fat. Go me. Unfortunately, I usually don't have the time or money to eat steak that many times a week. Red meat, red meat, RED MEAT. Rawr.
And brother and his fiance were in fine form, dominating the conversation, excluding mom and dad. It annoyed me.
I can deal with my brother, and how continually impressed he is with himself, for which he must always drag validation of this from everyone around him in his various ways.
His fiance, and her lack of personality bugs me. Plus the assumptions she makes bother me.
For instance, Mom asks Brother about his day. he give his schpeil. She then turns to me, asks, "How was your day?"
And brother's fiance (who wasn't looking) immediately launches into her day. Uhh, excuse me. Not you. You're not more important to my mother than me.
Call it jealousy or whatever you will. I call it presumptuous. You may think you're cool, but you're not that cool.
She tries to ingratiate, rather than letting it happen. She treats me in ways I don't appreciate. And she agrees with whatever my brother thinks, and then presumes it was her assumption.
In general discussion, she will find the prevailing consensus, and go for that, rather than have her own opinion or personality.
As we left the restaurant, to go home, Brother drove, she goes immediately to the passenger seat and calls out sing-song "Shotgun."
All that aside, it pissed me off that she didn't offer Mom the passenger seat. She tries to assert what she sees as brother's birth order right, and doesn't really understand. I find myself despising her.
Brother drove like a maniac home. He always drives crazy. And then bitches at me for not letting him drive my car.
Well, dude, every time I ride with you its a brush with death as I watch you beat on whatever car your driving. You do the math.
As far as my annoyance with my brother's fiance, maybe its 'cause I feel like brother's fiance is trying to insert herself into the family dynamic in a position of primacy above me, I don't know.
But I find myself aggravated by her more and more.
I also saw where a lot of my brother's tendency towards being a cock to me comes from: Dad.
He sat back all those years her hurt me, ruined my self-esteem, beat me, tortured me, and let it happen. He turned a blind eye to all of it, for whatever reason, I don't know.
And brother seems to idolize Dad, unfortunately picking up on all of his worse qualities.
And I'm on the receiving end of the dynamic. Fuckers.
Still a scapegoat, after all these years.
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