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Off My Chest 1 before/after So...hey. How's it going? *sigh* Ah..well. Drowing in bullshit? Does that mean anything to you? I mean, I feel like I can talk to you like this. You know, not keep the game face on that I keep for everyone else. Its been dificult in the past, getting easier now. And it always helps to talk to you. You understand what I'm saying. Either that or you smile and nod, but that's cool. Sometimes I need to get this sick shit about death off my chest. Yeah, I came close. But who doesn't? And who in my position wouldn't think of it? I admit I'm a stubborn bastard, yeah, and I had different reasons for thinking of it. Pain, cost, quality of life. Quality of life was a big thing. I'm not scaring you am I? Yeah, I didn't think so, but you know...I love you. I didn't want to cause you to feel afraid or anything. But anyways...yeah. Drowning in bullshit. What do I mean? Oh...well... I got this bill from the hospital. Well I asked for it. And I don't know...I don't understand it. I think they're screwing me. Now its up to 21000 dollars, and like, that's not right. For a lot of reasons. And like, my 'rents said they were going to pay for the treatment, begging me to go, riding me to do it. And now its like, no...they're not. And that's cool and all. I guess mainly because I won't be obligated to stick around here or anything. And I suppose I can dick around with the billing department, I have some options, especially because their documentation is all fucked up. And I can get it on some sort of payment plan, right? It sucks, but deal-able. I've got my car paid off and everything, and hopefully, this will be like a car payment. Its either that or declare bankruptcy, so they might be willing to work with me. I think you can declare bankruptcy from medical debt, can't you? Hmmm. Don't know. I suppose I could just flee. Go on the lam. You'd go with me, right? Of course you would. You love me. You LOVE me. What? Fuck you. Knock it off. You know you love me. Anyway...so I still need some treatment, right? But I can't get it until, like April and shit, which is supposed to be when my insurance decides to stop fucking me over...which, fuck, you know, who KNOWS when that will be. And I don't want to keep living like this until April. Fuck that. I am going out of my freaking mind as it is. You know? So I guess its like, ultimatum time. For me. Can't take the bullshit, y'know? Get well or die. Get out there. And I'll take my ambivalence to death and make it work for me, you know? YOU KNOW? Use it. Use it however I can. Use it by saying, "Look, I am going to get well, get back out there, or die trying." Because I can't wait for fucking April. Because allthough I want to wait until I am doing better physically, I don't feel like I have that option. Maybe I do, but ye gods, I am going out of my fucking mind. I need to get out of here. I'm going to start working out. Getting out there. Getting the wheels cranking. Get the body to fix itself. And if I cack it, oh well, you know? I'm not going in for hospitalization, surgery, and mutilation. Fuck that, fuck them, I'm going to struggle to rise above all this. Yeah, I know I've said that before in other situations. And I know my life has descended to a relative comedy of fucking errors. I used to be the lucky one. I used to be the victor. I'm used to being the lucky one. I'm used to being the victor, you know? And maybe I can dip into the well one more time. Maybe get one more draw. I hope so. God, I hope so. And I know you're going to be there, right? Yeah, I know you will. Thanks. You know I love you, right? Yeah. I'm not making any sense. Don't mind me. I'm just going to try real hard to get back to normal life, and hopefully, in the month and change before April, I can do it. And then, April rolls around, I get the treatment I need, hopefully, and life gets easier. I'm just having a tough time waiting for April, you know? Real tough. So I gotta' do what I gotta' do, and I can't give a fuck about the consequences and reprecussions, just roll with them. Wish me luck. I need a lot of luck right now. That's all. Yeah. Thanks for listening. I appreciate it. Really. I'm usually the one who does the listening, y'know? Lets get out of here.
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