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I'm just a tan, rambling motherfucker
2003-01-23 - 12:44 a.m.


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Went to the gym for a last minute tan.

Once again, I am becoming "that guy".  Maybe this is an attempt to become more shallow, in an effort to wring more enjoyment out of life.

If such thing is possibly, sans lobotomy, sign me up.

Anyway.

Called ahead, and the lovely desk girl assured me she would in attendance, and that I could come in,  seeing as they were going to close.

Drove in and tanned.  She bustled about the gym, closing up.  Let me tan for free, likely, because she had already closed out the till.

Got done tanning, and stood there for a minute, thinking she might slow down enough to talk to me.

She passed by me and said, "thank you,"  which I didn't understand, as I got free tanning, and kept her there until close.

As she passed from one room to the next, we considered each other for a split second.  I was wearing my doc martens, so I was a bit extra tall, and I towered over her.  I had thought that she was savvy, being a sales and marketing major, confident and driven.  One of those blonde girls that eat up the world with their seeming confidence and contentious soul trying to be born with no outlet. 

Driven. 

But the reality struck me that she was young and scared.  And hadn't really figured out some of the games of life, yet, like how to put an asshole who made you stay late in his place and make him squirm.

I pegged her for somewhere between twenty and twenty two.

I'm not speaking from some moral high road, nor am I an old man trapped in a young man's body, however, there is something that usually happens after 25, where one figures a few things out.  Or one hopes to.

I remember turning twenty, thinking of adulthood.  Knowing what I liked, wanting to know myself better, thinking I had it mostly figured out.

Should have known better, when I realized the axiom that, the more one learns, the more one realizes there is to learn.

But anyway, after twenty five one begins to understand the sciences of attraction, at least, sort of, anyway.  The fear and rejection thing kinda' leaves, because being comfortable in your own skin is the thing, and coming to terms with life as something to fear rather than fight appears to be key.

As much fear is fear anyway.  I only understand it so much, but that's me.  Who cares if you die?  Only those who bought into the christian mythology, and something tells me that nowadays, even christ wouldn't like the christians much.

Spirituality is spirituality and is good however you approach it, though.

A bit off topic, but I could see that she wasn't entirely comfortable in her own skin.  She didn't understand the sciences of attraction.

Just young.

So she flitted around, not settling enough to talk to me.  I said, "Right on.", got into my car, and took off.

She watched me go, with a look of surprise on her face.  As ever, girls don't like and don't understand guys that don't beat after them with baited breath and sweaty palms.

At least some.

However, the focii of my romantic notions was discovered destroyed in the middle of my fucking driveway today.

No way.

I will talk to her at the next opportunity.  I will thank her for staying late, and attempt to give her a compliment.

The compliment I thought of the first time I spoke to her.

But anyway, got the tanning done.  Going to my best friend's wedding on friday, and there will be pictures taken, I'm sure.  I'm taking some.  Why not.

And I didn't want to look like pasty white winter, so I've tanned.

Good guy that I am, even though my highstrung former best friend kicked me out of his wedding party because I did not call him for a month after he asked me, I am still attending.

Why not. 

Its irksome, in a way.  Grudges are pointless. 

I wonder if its much like eating shit, or kissing someone's ass to do this.  Attending the wedding after all.

I might just do the reception.  Not giving a fucking gift, though. 

Fuck that.

I wish we could all take a break from the needs and wants, a coffee break of the soul, a between periods of lives, and not have to eat, shit, breath, or do anything really, but sit around and talk.  Hug each other.  Say the things we need to say, do the things we need to do.  All gathered in one place, just hanging in peace.

No pride.  No jealousy.  No nothing but just how people would be people without pain or want or need.  Able to look at all the foibles and laugh.

"Did you see what I did?"   "Yeah, I did."  "Did you see how that cocksucker over there crossed me up?" "Yeah I did."  "Sorry about that buddy,"  "Awright, quit sandbaggin' me ya' bastard,"  "Okay, have some coffee,"

Just let all the pretention and bullshit go.

I don't want to fight to eek out an existance.  I don't want to deal with anyone's bullshit.

Life can kill me if it wants, it doesn't matter, you know?

I wish there was more love in the world.


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