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Entropy
2003-06-24 - 2:22 a.m.


before/after
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And it was the other night.  Last night, that I opened up the doors at two am and played.

The notes drifted effortlessly from my mind, my skill grown so that it does not interfere, sounds, shaped in my mind, shapless in any sort of real description, like trying to describe what the color 'red' is, w/o using any other color for reference, to my hands where they dripped from my fingertips like honey.  Innocuously, in my way, making love to the world, as they tossed and turned in their Perfect Suburbia beds in the sultry night.

And I thought what I needed, in a repetitiuos thought gaining form now, happening since my earliest memories, is a form of stasis, a bug in amber, a moment of holding still, with nothing gained and nothing lost.  No entropy.  Just a moment that stretched on and on and on with everything staying the same, no changes.

And I sucked the succulent seconds from the moment as it passed in the warm dark night, the moon rising, fat and sated.  Like my lovers, sucking the last drops out of my cock, greedily, as if to receive a part of my essence, my eyes, my approach and look on life, walking barefoot through the dewey grass.  I wished for it to go on and on in its stillness, its mysterious quiet and nobody sleeping.  I wished for a night of three weeks long, with no new dishes to wash, no new food to make to eat, no eating, freedom from this endless cycle of eating, shitting, eating again.  No need to shower, unless I wanted.  Just a dark night that nothing changed for a long, long time.  And if I couldn't see the sun, if I couldn't leave the yard, so be it.  Even if I didn't have to move, just stay cooped up in my thoughts it would be all okay with me.

And I played, and played, my thoughts drifting, the moment flying, my thoughts of sadness and loss, always of death, when it seems that always death is surrounding me.

And I just wanted it all to stop and hold still for a moment.

And I thought the thought that made me cry so often as a little boy:  it never will, it will never be the same again.


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