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Driving and Dieing
2002-11-11 - 11:10 p.m.


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I was tooling down the road at the speed limit plus five.

I don't always tend to speed anymore.  At least, I try not to.

But sometimes I just feel its my god-given right.  People seem to respect that.

I see the road clearly and twelve steps ahead.  I drive with confidence.  There is no shimmy as I handle the wheel.

A VW bus pulled out in front of me, right in front of the cop shop, and predictably stalls as it turns.

Stalls, starts, stalls.

I wonder if he's going to make it.

I see a column of cars in the oncoming lane.

And I gun it.

I think, "Do I have the time?"

I think, "Is this how I want to die?"

[which, predictably for years, given the amounts of miles I have put on wandering the roads, beaches, towns, and whatever else I had my eye on (girls), was a concern of mine.  And, even in the past, I may have subconsiously worked the suicide mojo doom by putting thousands of miles under my  belt in the worst conditions, inside and outside the car.  Perhaps I'll explain that someday.  Perhaps I won't.]

Any day should be a good day to die.

I didn't care.

I didn't want to die, but I didn't care.

The oncoming silver mini-van went over and straddled the white line.

I made a deft and vicious cut and swooped around my slow prey.

And the reason I write this all, is my pulse did not change one tic.

Not one bit.

Its either insane confidence or suicide bravery.

I figured there might be some adrenaline, though.

Fuck.

Then again, it seems to take some real exremes anymore to provoke that response.

I have to wonder why that is.

Maybe my body is getting used to my mind.  Finally.

I suppose I may read that in twenty years and laugh my balls off.

That's an optimistic statement if I ever heard one.  From me, anyway.

I wonder if speculating at dissonance in the mind/body connection will create it.

Sometimes I wonder if I am my own worst problem.

I wonder that a lot.

There is a part of me that just seems to want to consume, mostly me.  It loves all that is bad for me.  And it does not care.

Someday I will find peace.


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