Fiction: A Creature of Appettite
2001-08-01 - 9:29 a.m.

before/after
strangely non-functional guestbook

[ed. note: Dr. Kelly stopped by my house late last evening on his way home from Las Vegas. He was feverish in his attempts to get back home, and in his haste to leave, pages fell from his journal, and he left his microcassette recorder. This is all I was able to decipher and peice together.]

Mankind, as we all well know, is a creature of appetite. A swarm of appetite lives in every man, woman, and child as we know it. Some more than others.

We all have our dalliances and bad addictions, and as an old man goes, I too have my fair share of vices.

I was having a brief holiday in Las Vegas, enjoying the baccarat as I often do in these the leisure times of my august age when a waiter walked up to me with a phone. Ye Gods, who even knows I am here?

Transcription:

Waiter: "For you, sir."

Kelly: "Godammit, I said no interruptions! Can't you see what I'm trying to accomplish here?"

(indecipherable)

Kelly: "Stop breathing down my neck!"

Waiter: "I'm sorry sir, the gentleman on the phone seems rather insistent. He said you'd take his call."

Kelly: "Give me that! Now here...take this...hmpf...go get me a hooker who has connections."

Waiter: "Right away, sir."

It was my old friend Michael on the phone. He was hysterical, spouting words he didn't understand. Some bad business about going back to jail for an extended period of time. Something about an alleged sexual assault. I never understand the hysterical. He needed my professional advice, cool demeanor and selerity of thought.

Well, I am nothing if not a gentleman, and I told him I would oblige him with my presence in a few hours when the time was right. Hanging up, I met my companion by the baccarat where the waiter had left her waiting.

Transcription:

Prostitute: "You want a date honey?"

Kelly: "Why yes, my dear, its always a delight to peruse the ladies of beauty and reliable connections."

Prostitute: "So what are you lookin' for baby."

(indecipherable)

Prostitute: "Okay, I can do that."

I departed with my companion, and instructed my driver to take us to Micheal's house, and drive at a reasonable pace. I am a doctor, and I would be administering medication. No need to hurry.

My dimwit driver got us there in forty minutes flat. I stayed in the car for a few hours, and we sat in the driveway.

I must have dozed off at some point, or my companion has H connections straight back to the Chinese Ling Dynasty. I was awoken by a loud open handed smack on my car window.

It was Michael, babbling about something. A fifty year old woman? It didn't make the slightest bit of sense.

Still hysterical.

I brought my companion in doors and we relaxed on the sofa, where I like to see the early morning hours pass. Michael paced back in forth in front of us like a caged animal. His rage was incredible.

At one point, I attempted to intervene, to his terrible dismay.

Transcription:

Micheal: "Its ludicrous! Absolutely ridiuculous! I would never haf' anything to do wif' this woman."

Kelly: "You degenerate animal."

Michael: (indecipherable)

Kelly: "Don't try to bullshit me! hmpf. I've known you for years and this is just the kind of stunt you'd pull. You never thought you'd get caught. No one would believe her. Don't lie to me! I went to Harvard in 1934!"

Michael: (indecipherable)

Kelly:"Now calm down, Michael. What is it that you want me to do for you?"

Micheal: "You dirty old motherfucker. I ask you for help, and this-"

Kelly: "Michael-"

Michael:"You're supposed to be on my side!"

Kelly: "I am on your side, Micheal. I just want to know what it is I'm supposed to be doing here."

(audible knocks on the door)

At length, my attempts to calm him down failed utterly, miserable animal that he is, and the police arrived to pose furthur inquiry into the investigation of the matter of these alligations. Investigating this creature, who is clearly a product of Society's appetites and a victim of his own. That poor bastard.

Transcription:

Policeman1: "Mr. Tyson. We'd like to have a word with you."

Michael: (indecipherable yelling)

Policeman2: "Sir? Sir. Wake up, sir."

Kelly: "Hmpf. Mmmpfh. Yes."

Policeman2: "Sir, is that your automobile in the driveway?"

Kelly: "Hmpf. Yes. Hmpf."

Policeman2: "Sir, are you an acquaintance of Mr. Tyson?"

Kelly: "To say that I know the man is not an exaggeration."

Policeman2: "Can you vouch for his whereabouts on the day of July 16?"

(sounds of a struggle and scuffling in the background. High pitched yelling.)

Kelly: "No I cannot, but let me now make a sworn statement: The man is an animal. It would not surprise me in the least if he were guilty of the allegations now before us. I am a doctor, went to medical school at Harvard, and I know these things."

Michael(in the background, yelling): "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"

(sounds of a struggle)

Kelly: "Now, if you'll excuse me officer, my nurse and I would like to leave, and for I am late for a regular dose of my medication."

The police were not unreasonable with him, and considering he is a multiple felon in multiple states, they were quite reasonable. I excused myself from the tableaux, and made my way back to the hotel, where my companion departed for her own bed, having had enough excitement for the evening.

I recieved several threats via' the phone from Michael, and decided to head for home. There is no accounting for these creatures of appettite. They will do whatever they can to serve their own needs.

[End.]