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Diner
2006-09-05 - 11:37 p.m.
before/after
strangely
non-functional guestbook
Diner
FADE IN:
INT. NIGHT TIME IN A 24 HOUR DINER Two regular guys, JIM and JOHN are sitting in a corner booth
at the local diner. Both have plates of food and are eating.
JIM has pancakes. JOHN has bacon and scrambled eggs. Both
have coffee. JIM
I'll say this: that Steve Irwin
was a tough motherfucker. JOHN
Who? JIM
Steve Irwin. You know, the
Crocodile Hunter. JIM does a
horrible Australian accent. Crikey!! JOHN
Oh. That guy. JIM
Yeah, that guy. JOHN
What about him. JIM
Well, he got stung in the heart by
a stingray. JOHN
That makes him tough? JIM
He pulled out the barb. JOHN
Did he die? JIM
Of course he fuckin' died. You
don't get stung in the heart by a
wild fuckin' animal and walk away
from it. JOHN
So he died. JIM
Yes.
2.
JOHN
That doesn't make him tough.
JIM
Whaddya' mean? He pulled the
fuckin' barb out of his goddamn heart! JOHN
So? JIM
(incredulous)
So?! JOHN
Anybody woulda' pulled that shit
out. Its human nature. JIM
Human nature, huh? JOHN
Exactly. Somebody stabs you
somewhere, you're gonna pull it out.
Nobody wants to leave shit like
that inside of them. It doesn't
matter if its a stingray barb or a
kitchen knife. It doesn't belong
where it is, hence it has to go,
regardless of the fact that in some
cases you may be better off with
whatever it is left wherever it
stabbed you.
A troupe of punk rock teens that couldn't get into any of
the clubs scuffs their heels of their boots as they walk by,
and sit silently in a booth nearby, packing the booth. They
have multi-colored hair, studs, leathers, piercings, and one
of the youths has a black t-shirt that reads "KEN LAY LIVES!"
with a head shot of Ken Lay on the front of his t-shirt..
They are decidedly sullen. JOHN watches them casually,
while JIM scarfs down the rest of his food.
JIM
Why would someone be better off to
leave it where it is? JOHN
Because sometimes its the only
thing holding an artery together.
Sometimes its the only thing
stopping the blood flow. Christ
man, I'm not a doctor. I don't
know. But I've seen some shit on TV.
3.
JIM
(mockingly)
"I did stay at a Holiday Inn
Express last night."
JOHN
Shut up. Still, the point is: he
died. And anyone would have pulled
that shit out. Its human nature to
do that. JIM
Again with that human nature bullshit. JOHN
I'll tell you something else, too:
If he was really tough, he would
have lived. JIM
There was no surviving that. JOHN
Well, yeah. Just sayin'. The
human animal is a wonderful thing,
and survives all kinds of strange
an unfortunate happenstance. Look
at the guy in Colorado. Aaron Ralston. JIM
The guy that cut off his own hand? JOHN
Yes. That's tough. JIM
Yeah. No doubt. Woulda' been
tougher still if he would have ate
it.
(JOHN gives JIM a
disgusted look)
You know...in order to survive. JOHN
Ummm...yeah. Self cannibalization
aside, he's still one tough
motherfucker. JIM
Agreed.
4.
At a table near JIM and JOHN, a DRUNK WHITE WOMAN is seated
with a SOBER BLACK MAN. The DRUNK WHITE WOMAN suddenly
rises and starts belting out Whitney Houston's song "I Will
Always Love You." at top volume and horribly, horribly off-key.
SOBER BLACK MAN
You got talent, baby.
The DRUNK WHITE WOMAN turns, almost falls, and locks eyes
with JIM, slowly creeping at him in a crouch that doesn't
facilitate her horrible singing.
DRUNK WHITE WOMAN
Annnd IIIIIIII-eeee-IIIIII will
always love you-uu-uu-uu-eee-oooo-
iiii always love youuuuuuuu. SOBER BLACK MAN
You's great baby. You's got PIPES.
You should be on that American Idol
show.
The entire diner has stopped and fallen silent. Everyone is
watching. The DRUNK WHITE WOMAN turns shakily back to her
date, stumbling and nearly falling again.
DRUNK WHITE WOMAN
(slurs)
Yer' goddam. right. SOBER BLACK MAN
Lets get out of here. You got the
check?
The DRUNK WHITE WOMAN fumbles in her purse for money,
pulling out a wad of cash. The SOBER BLACK MAN takes it,
and walks up to the cash register.
SOBER BLACK MAN
Lets go to your place, baby.
The DRUNK WHITE WOMAN locks eyes with JIM once more, blows
him a kiss, then stumbles to the door of the diner and goes
outside. The SOBER BLACK MAN pays the bill and pockets the
rest of the cash, following her outside. Slowly, the diner comes back to life.
JIM
That was scary. JOHN
Yeah it was. She seemed to like
you, though.
5.
JIM
She did.
JOHN
Was that your mom? JIM
Fuck you. Asshole.
A pair of drunk, homely, desperate, forty-something women
file past and sit in a booth nearby. They loudly begin
discussing what they will have to eat.
JOHN
I don't know...I don't think the
Crocodile Hunter was tough at all.
All he did was get close to
dangerous animals who clearly
didn't want him that close to them.
That's not really tough. Its more
deranged than anything. JIM
Don't talk bad about the dead. JOHN
Its not bad. Its the truth. Its
hardly surprising one of them
finally killed him. JIM
You said he was deranged. JOHN
Well, it is a bit deranged to
consistently harass some of the
worlds most dangerous animals and
expect to retire some day at a ripe
old age. Of course one of those
fuckers is going to get you. Its
just a matter of time. The irony
is that he got waxed by a relatively
peaceful creature, that's all.
He's a study in the minor ironies
of life, not toughness, and its
certainly not a tragedy. JIM
There you go again, trashing a dead
man.
A WAITRESS comes to their table, fills their coffee and leaves.
6.
JIM
(to waitress)
Thanks.
JOHN
(to waitress)
Thank you. JOHN
(to JIM)
I'm not trashing a dead man. I'm
not into that, going to a funeral
and saying things like, "He was a
difficult man." That's not me- JIM
But here you are talking shit about
the fuckin' Crocodile Hunter, and
he's dead- JOHN
The man's legacy speaks for itself.
If you go to a funeral and the
consensus is that you were an
asshole, then you're an asshole.
Its different talking about
someone's legacy rather than going
up to a pulpit and saying he's an
asshole during the eulogy. JIM
Ok. JOHN
Besides, who the fuck are you,
defending the fucking "Crocodile
Hunter" anyway? You didn't know
the guy. Maybe he's a real fucking
asshole. You don't know. He
dangled his baby over a fucking'
crocodile once. JIM
He did? JOHN
Yeah, once. JIM
Well, maybe he had a good reason
for that.
7.
JOHN
What kind of fucking reason could
any sane man have for dangling his
newborn infant over a killer reptile?
JIM
I really don't know. Maybe you
should ask him. JOHN
What are you, his personal fucking
cheerleader? Were you one of his
groupies in the eighties? Did you
suck some Crocodile Hunter dick? JIM
Fuck you. JOHN
No, really. What is it? You just
can't admit that you're wrong, can
you? That's it. It kills you to
admit that you're wrong. JIM
Fuck off. JOHN
Admit it, motherfucker. You're
wrong. You're fucking wrong, and
you'd rather DIE than fucking admit
you're fucking wrong. JIM
I admit nothing. And while you're
at it, go fuck yourself.
The WAITRESS comes to the table, looks at both men, and
leaves the check face down.
JOHN
I hate it when people try to
sanitize someone's life when they
die. Like all the bad shit they
did suddenly doesn't count anymore. JIM
What do you want them to do? Say
"He was an asshole." at the eulogy? JOHN
No, I hate that, too. I'll say
that at your funeral, though.
8.
JIM
You cock-sucker. You'd do it, too.
JOHN
(laughs)
No I wouldn't. I'd say "He was a
difficult man." JIM
Fuckin' pole-smoker. Did someone
actually say that at a funeral, or
are you making that shit up? JOHN
Nope. Two people said it at my
great uncle's funeral. JIM
They did? JOHN
Yup. JIM
Was he? JOHN
I don't know. I didn't know him. JIM
Oh. JOHN
I sat there, with my arm around his
widow, and two people went up the
the lectern and said, "He was a
difficult man." JIM
That's shitty. Sounds like someone
had an ax to grind. JOHN
I guess. JIM
What were you doing with your arm
around the widow? Moving in?
Trying to get a piece? JOHN
No, you sick fuck, I was comforting
her, that's all. It was my great aunt.
9.
JIM
(laughs)
JOHN
God you're sick. What the fuck is
wrong with you?
JIM
Absolutely nothing. JOHN
Lets get the fuck out of here. JIM
You got the check? JOHN
You indigent fuck. JIM
Hey, I'm not the one trying to pick
up his aunt at her husband's funeral. JOHN
Fuck you. Come on, lets go. JIM
Ok.
JOHN and JIM walk to the cash register, JOHN pays the
WAITRESS and they walk out of the diner. EXT. PARKING LOT--NIGHT
JIM
Thanks man. JOHN
No problem.
Both men get into their cars and drive out into the night. . FADE OUT
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