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still searching before/after Still trying to figure out my passion. Not sure 'women and drugs' really counts. Not that I've been chasing women and drugs...and not that I haven't. Drugs and women always seem to be the sort of thing in life that lands in your lap without looking for them. Sometimes you can make it happen, witch it up, will it into being, but sometimes its a lot like stamping on the ground trying to make it rain. I've been matting and framing photos that I've been taking on my hikes. Some of them are quite good. I love having a finished product so easily available. At the same time, its not nearly as consuming as I would like. I don't know, I love having something solid, quantifiable in my hands at the end of it all. But its also something a lot of people can easily do. Maybe not the photography. I notice a lot of people think they know how to take a picture, yet fuck it up all the time. It has to tell a story, you know? There has to be a 'wow' to it, or a question, or a feeling. There has to be a measure of inspiration. If there isn't, you're just wasting my time. Unless its a picture of tits. Or ass. Or...well, you get the idea. (Because, hey, who doesn't like a picture of tits?) Ideally, as my life slips further and further away from me, I'd love to have a passion that would make me money. Fucked up, isn't it? I know the most successful people don't get into something for the money. They want to actualize a vision, make something they see or hear in their minds real. They do it despite looming starvation, bankruptcy and death. And that's admirable. I was about to say 'I have visions...' but do I? I mean, I do, but they're so...comfortably entwined with my life...that I don't even think about it. And of these, how do I actualize it? And make money off of it? I do have fiction I could write. I would love to immerse in that, like a dark sink of consciousness, an isolation tank and a head full of thoughts. I could write smut. Ha. I'd enjoy that. I need to get to a point where I can visualize where I want to be, or what I want and then trace the steps back from there. In the end, I just want to be happy, though. In the end, I want to enjoy life.
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