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drugs and happy before/after It aint me...It aint me...I ain't no fortunate son... This will be scatter-brained. I took a Claritin-D this along with my morning Xanax. The mixture is interesting, to say the least. Feels like the ephedrine part of the Claritin is wearing off, and the mellow of the xanax is creeping in. Which is fine. Typically I'll buy a years supply of xanax on the black market. The mark-up is ridiculous, but its very much worth it to me. Ostensibly, I started it because I was getting migraines like crazy. Several a week. And I knew stress was a trigger. And I remembered that when dad died his employee, who became my employee for a time, slipped a script of xanax into my hand saying, "I don't want this but you may need it." She doesn't take pills, pain or otherwise, however doctors seem to want to give her pills all the time. Odd arrangement, that. She'll get the script filled, and then they sit, unused, unloved. Anyway, I remember all the stress surrounding the funeral and related goings on, including taking over the business when I should have been in bed. I recall thinking, "Man, I'm going to get a shit-ton of migraines. Fuck." But I was taking .5 to 1 mg of xanax a day until the script ran out. Surprise, surprise, not one goddam migraine the whole time. So I figured, rather than deal with my doctor who...gives out pills like they're his first born, I'd cut out the middle man and just buy a shit-ton once, and be good for the year. I don't drink, I don't smoke. I take 1 mg of xanax a day, on my own orders. .5 in the morning, .5 in the in evening. No more. Sometimes I forget to take one or the other. And its worked out. No more migraines. As a side-effect, for me, its an anti-anxiety medication. I didn't realize how much anxiety I had until I didn't have any. It was as if all the worries I had rolling around in my melon wafted away like so much smoke in the wind. I probably needed this medication for awhile. Even though I've always been affable and confident, weird shit has always bothered me. Small example: sitting alone at a bar listening to my friends play music. I always felt a little awkward. I mean, I'm not drinking, I'm by myself... Now, fuck it. I will sit and do as I please. I unlearned whatever it was that made me uncomfortable with such things. Of course, I don't need the xannies for that anymore, but shit, everyone needs a vice. This is mine. And I rather enjoy going to sleep, and not having my mind churn over pointless shit until the frustrating wee hours of the morning. It just relaxes me, and off into deep sleep I go. I've always been a mellow cat in presentation, I believe, so no one has really noticed. I could have probably used xanax ten or fifteen years ago when I was doing drugs just to be utterly numb, to quiet my riotous mind, my mind which seemed to be in rebellion to my best interests, which only wanted to, seemingly destroy me and my best interests. Those awful and repetitive intrusive thoughts. Somewhere along the line I devised my own CBT therapy (before it became the zeitgeist) and that was handled. Bad chemicals cause bad thoughts and whatnot. Its not *you*, its a lack of, or too much of, a certain chemical your brain needs to make you happy, or to allow you to feel happy, or to not beat you silly with intrusive thoughts. At a certain point, you just have to become accustomed and acclimated to the vehicle that is our body. Take care of it, improve it, but be aware of all its quirks. At any rate, years ago I could have quieted my mind with xannies. It would have filled that hole that booze and drugs did not. I will say the LSD and mushrooms helped, inasmuch as at a certain level you get to appreciate the difference between mind and body. You don't NEED these things to get there, though. You don't NEED drugs in your life, period. In fact, the best high ever is to love life, to love others, and love yourself. However this can be hard to come by sometimes. And instead of seeking meditiation, some sort of enlightenment, and periodic happiness, some people buy it for periods of time. (sadly, its all wasted energy for most. escapism.) And while I appreciate realizing how divorced from everything that people use to identify themselves (i.e. jobs, possessions) and finding, at least on some level, my essential self, I didn't need drugs to do that. At the same time, given that there was little help for me in terms of my health, as dr.s explained to me there was no knowing what my fate was. Essentially I was a ticking, unpredictable time bomb, and I was enslaved and beholden to that. (now, with the new drug that gave me my life back, plus multiple surgeries, I've got options...I'm just effectively enslaved to the pharmaceutical industry) So I bit off the meaty thigh bone of life and lived most days like my last. This was not a successful life strategy for long-term well being. But, as far as I knew, I didn't really have time. Still don't, I guess. But there is cause for hope and optimism, whereas before there wasn't. Regardless, I'm left feel like sands are slipping out of the hourglass of my youth...so much time lost for which I have to make up for. But to think...back then, to fight all those feelings, I could have simply gotten a script for xanax and stopped worrying. Of course, bad shit would still have been scheduled to happen to me. But such is life. Could be worse. I could be living in Darfur, waiting to get raped by the janjaweed. Could be a lot worse. I have to say, though, as much as I love my friends, and my family, and myself, I have absolutely no fear of death anymore. Not a whit. I think it will be comforting. But that is (hopefully) not for a long, long, long time.
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