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my fucking situation before/after Its like the beginning days of diaryland, before we even had hit counters or site-trackers. You had no idea if anyone was reading your shit, but you put it out into the void none-the-less. *sigh* I feel it diminishes a passage to use the phrase 'none-the-less'. There's something about the extensive use of hyphens that weaken whatever you write. I haven't figured it out, but I can tell. Either way, I mean, now I'm assured almost everyone is all gone. I feel like a traveler on a post-apocalyptic landscape. Sort of like the 'Book of Eli' except I'm not blind and I'm not too big a fan of the Bible. On the flip-side (that hyphen is ok)I wonder if I'm either depressed, stressed, both, or on the edge of depression. Not sure. Big changes are headed my way, that produces stress. Then there's the stress of law school and work, which could be handled, but school is 100 miles away and that's a bitch of a commute. Should I close the business down if I can't find a seller? Does that mean I'm selling out or otherwise treating my father's legacy with contempt and disregard? Or if I just close it down, does that mean I failed? I suppose it does, even if my intention wasn't to make this a full-time avocation. I read the tea-leaves when I walked in the door. The ophthalmologists are trying to run out the optometrists, and the optician/owner is a relic of a bygone time. I knew there was no way to win (aside from huge business expansion and an attempt to make a chain-store type of thing...maybe its hubris to think that wasn't beyond the scope of my capabilities or will, but I do know my heart was not in that. My heart really isn't into this as it is. To own a chain of stores would require greater risk than I wanted to manage, more thought and effort than I wanted to put into it, and, in the end, its a direction I was entirely unprepared for. Then again, I wasn't prepared for this. I was supposed to be on 2 months recovery rest when my dad died and I took over. I had little to no training on opticianry. I like to think now, that three years (?) on, just the fact that the lights are on, the bills are paid, and that we operate solely in the black is an accomplishment in itself. One that no one knows, because I don't tell anyone about how I was ill and recovered. Even still its tough to think about, and only comes to me in flashes, those desperate years. So much pain...and to come out of it and take charge, in my mind, says a lot of good about me. I do not know many people that could have survived as I did. I know even fewer that could have eschewed recovery and taken over a business they knew nothing about and kept it going.) Long parentheticals take away from what you're writing as well. I guess I want to leave and go to school. Or rather, continue school, which I have repeatedly made the dean's list. I want one or the other. I can handle one or the other. I could probably handle both if the commute was negligible, but its not. And seeing as there is no future in the business, selling it, or--most likely, but holy shit am I not looking forward to it--just closing the doors. Selling it is preferable because it seems like an honest exit. But I'd be surprised to find a buyer in this economy. Possible, but not likely. Closing the doors seems so much like failure its practically synonymous. I guess failure is when you get knocked down and you don't get back up. You quit and you quit trying. I'm not doing that, but so much of what I'm doing and involved with revolves around the loss of my dad its ridiculous. Right now I'm tying up loose ends. Getting his classic car, a 64 pontiac tempest running, fixing the old dirtbike. Things that would not get done without my hand doing it. I'm not living my life, I guess. I'm not thrilled with my relationship. Which is fucked up, because, really, I could deal with the rest if she satisfied me in bed, but she doesn't, and I'm at a loss to explain exactly why. I can understand a slow beginning, but after this time you should have your partner's likes and dislikes down. Our relationship is defined by what she won't do. I haven't had unrestrained raw sex in years. I'm hungry, like a lion looking for a kill. I want to let go and be an animal. And that's tough when someone is always telling you 'no' or 'not so hard'. When someone berates you for spanking their ass. When there is no connection in bed. She won't even really kiss me much. She complained early on in the relationship that I was 'speulunking in her mouth', so I backed off a lot. Open mouth tongue kisses are no go. In the supposed heat of passion I get a peck on the lips that a seventh grader would like. I'm a man, don't you see? I need more than that. I get head if I practically beg for it. And the very rare times that I cum from it she coughs and gags up a storm. I try to offer suggestions that she try to take the jizz in the back of her throat to minimize all that, but of course, any suggestion I make at all sexually is rebuffed. Any suggestion I make in regards to my preferences is scorned. I'm made to feel bad because I have a high libido. I could deal with her clingy-ness and social awkwardness out of the bedroom if she knew how to fuck me. If she knew how to connect. I could deal. It would be us against the world, because *they wouldn't know*. I could handle her silence when others are around, to the point of deliberately ignoring them. I could handle her constantly clinging to me in those situations, because *they would have no idea what passes between us* I could handle the fact that she resolutely refuses to drive anywhere when we are together. As in, when we drove to Denver...who did all the gd driving...*because they wouldn't know how close we were, and what its like when we are alone* As it is, when we are seen together, people assume she's a tiger in the sack. "always the quiet ones" In this instance, no. She's cold. My advances get rebuffed with a whine like a 12 year old child. Or a passionate kiss is responded tough with a pulling away and a nervous laugh, like I embarrassed her by spilling cola on her shirt. I know she loves me. She's been devoted to me for quite some time. She's just so cold. I don't know if I can deal with all of that anymore. I try to talk to her, but she shuts down. I try to email and I get rebuked. "How could you send that to me," she'll rage, "Don't you know how bad it made me feel?" And I'm just trying to communicate. So what do I do? What can I do? I've been with her for so long now... I put one foot in front of the other, like a good soldier, and forge ahead.
I want to feel some hope in life, instead of stress. I want some joy, but the joy has gone missing. Instead I seem to distract myself, and sometimes the distractions are productive. Sometimes not. I keep expecting some clear idea of what to do. What's next, or how to go about things. My mind keeps chugging and churning. Its great for figuring things out. It will figure things out while I'm not even consciously focusing a topic. But I don't think that's going to happen. I keep waiting for Audrey to finally 'get it'. Figure out how to make me happy, keep me satisfied. Lord knows I've made every attempt to communicate with her under the sun. I am masculine, but I communicate like a motherfucker. Or in this instance, I attempt to communicate like a motherfucker. But I don't think she's going to 'get it'. I hope some of the moves I'm making will shake loose a buyer, but I doubt that will happen, too. Its like I'm stuck in this fucking hole, and no matter what I do I am unable to improve my fucking situation.
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