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Hum-Drum
2011-03-21 - 10:54 a.m.


before/after
strangely non-functional guestbook

Will the last one out turn off the lights--thoughts and musings--am I headed for an early demise--

Everytime I feel like puking my feelings out here I almost feel the emotional retching and recoil from doing so.o

Something is not right with me emotionally, and I don't know why.

Sure, there are contributing factors but I've always been one to---KEEP GOING---for lack of a better term.

Still with Audrey. Still the same problems, although its gotten better of late. She's great in so many ways.

Some of those problems, may always be. I don't know.

I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she doesn't read here anymore. Or shadow of a reasonable doubt, anyway. She might stumble back as she tries to delete her diaries, which have been sending her spam. Then again, she may have already done that.

And, really, I find it hard to believe that anyone reads dear diaryland anymore.

I wish I could be certain of my anonymity in that regard. I have written so sparingly because I've felt she would read it.

And I need that anonymity for unsheltered honesty. I repeatedly broke the one of the initial rules set down by possumgrits, who was the first diary I read. I remember gushing to her about how naked and vulnerable she was placing her raw self in front of us for our inspection via literary device. She encouraged me to get into it, this diaryland thing, and gave me some guidelines. One of those was to get a fake email and preserve my anonymity, because once the people you know in your everyday life find out about your diary it compromises the honesty of what you write and complicates your life.

How right she was.

I tried to keep my anonymity. I really did. And then there were the girls...

Now DL is antiquated. There isn't even a word-processing interface to go along with the entry page.

But perhaps in some small way my anonymity, that comforting shroud, seems to be returning.

Maybe I should download it all and move, but I'm one of those cats...I'm loyal, right? I like to stick with things and people.

I suppose if there was some way I could be assured that this was again anonymous I'd be more prolific. Right up to whatever end this site comes to, if any.

Audrey and I have argued about the diary many times. "I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANY MORE ABOUT 'COFFEE-SHOP GIRL'S' BUBBLE BUTT!"

I would bitch about my lack of anonymity and how I felt this diary had been taken from me. Even writing now I can feel how comforting it is to me, and how I long for that comfort of uncensored thought-expression.

I suppose I could talk to her and get her to let me hack her hosts file (not technically hacking in any sense, but more difficult than it should be on Win7) so it resolves dland to her loop back address.

I also suppose I should trust her not to look, but with women, no offense...I've noticed in my relationships and over the years something like that...is like catnip. What's in that drawer? Who's calling his phone? It seems to be in a lot of women's nature to be curious, even if the truth is mundane. There's nothing in that drawer, and its my mother on the phone. I can leave Audrey at my house and come back and see her face...and I KNOW she's rifled through SOMETHING...but I don't even care. What is there to hide?

Hmmmn.

But I would hate to start spilling secrets and have her, on a lark, read my diary. That's just not fair to me. How many people share uncensored unfiltered thoughts with anyone, let alone their S.O.? Damn few that are still in relationships, that's for sure. That's how divorces happen. (no, we're not married)

As Josh Brolin says in 'True Grit', "I must think upon my situation and improve it."

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