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goddamit, babies, you've got to be kind before/after I'm feeling a desire to be numb again. But not like when I was young. Then, I wanted to be numb because I felt...nearly overwhelmed by despair. I had constant intruding thoughts of death. So I did what I did to stop...thinking. To stop feeling. To be numb. Now...its like I feel too much. There's still an excruciating sensitivity to what's around me, but there's no despair. I suppose part of it is feeling the moments of my life slip by. Moments I would like to capture and hold, and instead its like trying to catch a puff of smoke in your palm. Everything changes. Nothing stays the same. The sacred is profaned, and then venerated again. Beware of the man that claims to have it all cornered; he knows nothing. Everyone around me will die. I will watch my mother grow old. I will see all I care turn to ashes and dust. It will all really be in a blink of an eye. And the sunsets will be gone. The poems will be no more. The kisses, the passionate glances and warm embraces will be done. And the love...? Will the love be gone? Will the love I try and try and try to put out in the world, despite my blunt way, beside my terrible honestly...the way I try to love people..others...will that be gone, too? Is it the only way, the only part of us that will survive in the grand scheme, the macroscopic special DNA? What if everything we are is wrong...as people...as humans...I see what we could be. I see what we are. And it is shameful that we limit ourselves so. And I love. And I nearly hate. I don't know if anything is real. I strongly suspect it is not. Unless you've seen beyond...or seen into the Abyss...together, I'm not sure you'll know what I mean. Have you felt the delusion of the senses? Such that NOTHING is real? That all is left is the essential you, resting on a bleached beach of reality, the ebon hued sea lapping at the heels of your consciousness? And then realized that maybe it was just your ego that held your consciousness fixed in place? That you belong to everything and everything belongs to you? And that there is nothing? And nothing belongs to you as well? But that there is no you?? That there is, and there....is...and there is...just is... That's it. There isn't even an 'is not'. Over and over and over until we get it right, and its not as we will be no more, but will just BE. No desire...no wants and needs...we will sleep in a pile...of seamless dreams. I feel too much. Emotion and feeling cresting/ it makes no sense. And I guess, even as contradictory to remarks about time gently slipping away unnoticed and feeling decidedly melancholy about it ...goddamit ...sometimes I just want to be numb.
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