Whiskey-Tango
2009-01-12 - 9:28 p.m.

before/after
strangely non-functional guestbook

Watching the Golden Globes, I came to a realization.

Rome had it right: actors should be treated like cheap pimps, hustlers and whores.

Give them the adulation, sure, but at the end of the day most likely someone owns their ass.  Definitely not citizens.  And should you see them running loose in the street, call the local constabulary and have them rounded up.

This would solve many problems, not the least of which is this seriously over-inflated sense of importance hollywood ascribes to itself.  They would be more sensitive to our dictates if they were routinely tasered and beaten every time they stepped outside.

Plus, they'd stop dictating cultural trends and the scumfucks of corporate america would have to find another way to infiltrate our minds with their arbitrary poisonous advertising gibberish.

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It happened awhile ago, but this makes me think of the last time I hung out with my pseudo-friend Rob.

He's spent the last year passive-aggressively attempting to annoy me through tedious methods.  Like calling me, then ignoring my return call(s).  Or sitting at the bar and making sure the smoke from his ciggarrette gets in my face.  Or inviting me out, then when I arrive talking for a minute, then wandering away.

How do I know this is deliberate?  When he's swathingly drunk, he tells me this.  Its so insulting.

So the last time out he tried this,  I walked out on him.  I still feel like beating his ass, truthfully.  It would be really gratifying to walk up to him at the bar and bitchslap him.

Its not too far out of the realm to forsee this happening.  50/50 odds, depending on my mood.

Anyway, so he pulls this shit (and the ciggarette smoke thing really aggravates), wanders away and leaves me with some fat drunk chick he had rounded up to sit at our table.

I tried to make chit-chat, but it was hopeless.  She was fat, drunk, stupid and homely.  There wasn't much hope.

Gamely, I persevered, but not overlong.

"How are you tonight?"  I said.

"Awright.  Shit...got...fucked up."  she replied.

[long awkward pause, wherein I reflect on the white trash culture, and the truisim that if you have 30 IQ points on someone, it is like trying to converse with an alien culture]

"What shit got fucked up?"

"Just...shit..."

[another long pause]

"Like..."

"People be sayin'...shit...and I ain't done shit....and they need to take my name outta' they mouth....and shit..."

Its at this point I bailed mentally on the girl.  The stunning sense of self importance amongst white trash would almost be audacious were it not so goddam annoying.  This whole fast-food mtv culture thing has gotten out of hand.  Do you think you deserve respect?  What have you done to earn it?  I have a basic respect for people and human life, but if you can't communicate better than KoKo the Sign Language Gorilla, get the fuck over yourself.  You have to respect yourself for someone to show you any respect or common decency.

And some of this comes from reflected hollywood.  White trash fill their lives with manufactured drama worthy of a movie star, and expect everyone to be embroiled in their self-centered plot.  Point of fact:  NO ONE CARES.

Did you fuck your bff's baby's daddy while she was home with the shorty?  NO ONE CARES.

When I get really depressed, I think of these things, and two words formulate in my mind:  "surplus humans".  Sure, their family would be sad if they suddenly vanished from the face of the earth?  But would we really miss them?  Would society?  Would anything of value be lost?

Sadly, I think there's plenty of surplus humans out there, that provide nothing for the communal good, and instead leech off us all like parasites, and do it for no good reason whatsoever.  They have their health.  They have the caucasian opportunity, they just dont take advantage of it.  Pimples on the buttocks of humanity.

They live their lives as if they are the center of the world, with gaudy narcisisstic preening fit for a movie-star.  Unfortunately they havent the skill or money to pull such a feat off.  

Mostly they're missing the money.  And any sense of class.

Throw in a hefty sense of entitlement and you have a fine specimen of Whiskey Tango, white trash.

(how the fuck do you get the sense that life owes you goddam ANYTHING?  All I've gotten is a kick in the ass, and that's all to which you're really entitled.  The rest you have to take.)

At a certain point in life, we're all responsible for ourselves.  Sure, there are mitigating factors for everyone, myself included.

But at least I try to improve myself.  At least I try to contribute to the communal good.

What's their excuse?

I say we formulate a plan:  step 1  round up all hollywood stars and immediately begin beating them regularly.  In order to become a hollywood star, you must live in poverty and become property of a movie studio.  You are filth.  Scum.  As an actor you really provide little to the community other than a few laughs, and certainly don't deserve the near-deification that has been thrust upon you.  Many of you hollywood actors struggle with it, and most pout as if its foisted upon you unwillingly.  (not as if you had sought it most of your life).  

So, we are done with you.  You are now the lowest caste in society, along with pimps, whores, and gladiators.  Athletes are now considered gladiators and are also considered property.  The notion of a 'team owner' now takes on new significance.  You will be kept in rags and spat upon.  Your only glory will come in the arena, for our pleasure.  If we see you on the street, either actor or athlete (gladiator) you will be rounded up by the police, tased and soundly beaten.  Call 911 if you see Leo Dicaprio anywhere near your presence, citizen.  Same for Kate Winslet.  Or Lindsey Lohan.  Or Terrel Owens.

Side benefit:  Paris Hilton will retire from public life. She hasn't the brains for politics and her family wouldn't want to see her repeatedly tased and beaten.  She, however, would still be dumb enough to try to pass herself off as an actor, and the repeated maulings by the hyper-aggressive LA PD would make for entertaining television.  Eventually her family will prevail upon her and she will be gone, a skank lost in the wilderness of anonymity.

Step 2:  reform our educational system, and make learning and science 'cool' again.  No more of the prevailing ignorance or assumption that anyone who has read a book is a "faggot".  There will be no glorification of stupidity or willfull ignorance.  Anyone caught celebrating ignorance will be executed on the spot.  Education will be intensive and thorough.  Critical thinking skill WILL be taught.  Proper citizenship and careful watching of the government will be impressed upon the youth.

Step 3:  Scientists, teachers, and philosophers will be paid extremely well.  Not the exhorbitant and excessive amounts reserved for the former actors and athletes, but they will live well.

Step 4:  Scientist, teachers, and philosophers will take the exhalted position in our society once reserved for actors and athletes.  Their lives will be followed and their accomplishments lauded.  Children will aspire to grow up to be Craig Venter instead of Terrel Owens or the aforementioned Paris Hilton.  Only people of substance and accomplishment will be venerated.  Anyone without substance or accomplishment that attempt to place themselves in an exhalted position in society through shameless self-promotion will be publicly humiliated by whipping and placing them in a charnel pit.  They will be lit on fire and repeatedly extinguished by a chorus of homeless people pissing beer piss on them until death or until they renounce their ways.  Their corpses will be buggered.

Step 5:  A new age of enlightenment will dawn

There, I've laid it all out.  Now we just have to implement the bastard.

No more Whiskey-Tango!  No more hollywood actors!

Heads will roll.

Aloha.