Tan Pits
2007-07-20 - 12:52 a.m.

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Adventures in Spray Tanning

I delved into the seedy underbelly of the tanning world a few days ago and attempted to spray tan.

It wasn't a good time.  I ended up looking like I had some sort of bizarre skin-condition.  And each time I tried to improve the situation only made it worse.  My legs were all mottled and orange.

Apparently the Spray Tan industry does not take hairy legs into its product specs, as clearly this was the case.

Of course it doesn't help that I have hirsute legs.  Seriously hirsute.  I'm like Pan down there, sans hooves.

Not that I have anything against hooves, really.  I suppose I wouldn't mind having hooves for awhile.  At least I would save on shoe-money.

And it could conceivably go over well at the bar.  

"Yeah, sure its just not the hooves that are like a horse down there."

I kid.  Its a good two inches.  BUT TWO INCHES OF PURE FURY!

(and I shave...I lost paitence with the trimming and just shave the unmentionables every couple of months or whatever.  I don't know why I bother, its not like Audrey blows me.  Ever.  Not even on my birthday.  Argentum <-------- dying for a bj.)

Eventually I just had to spray it in gobs into my hand and smear it on my legs.

I also, in a fit of impusivity, spray-tanned my armpits.  It developed later in the day and made my pits look a rather unpleasant color.  Much like the color of a taint.  An un-makeuped taint at that, because, as we all know, women porn stars apply powder and other cosmetics to their taints before a close up.  I suppose I would apply cosmetics to my taint as well if I knew there was going to be a high-def camera two inches away from my ass with high-wattage lighting while I was penetrated by whatever was laying around.  But to be quite frank, I dont think, even at my most uninhibited, would want that much of a close-up of my taint at any point.  Nor would I want to be penetrated by various household objects laying around, really.

After the pit-tan devloped I walked up to Audrey.  i had just taken a shower, and was wearing a towel.

I lifted my arms and made a 'buhhhrrrAHHH!!!" noise of presentation.  

(watch the movie 'the Cable Guy' and the duel at Mideval Times to know how that sounds, should you need an aural aid)

"Tan pits!"  Audrey said

Tan pits, indeed.