Fruit Gum
2007-03-22 - 9:21 p.m.

before/after
strangely non-functional guestbook

Audrey and I were at the local Meijer's, buying a few things.

In the entryway, there is a rack of vending machines, selling cheap plastic shit to the kids.

Amongst all the crap is a fabulous gum-machine.  And by 'fabulous', I mean,' remarkable piece of shit'.

It sells giant gum-replicas of fruit.  Strawberries, watermelons etc etc.

Actually, Im not sure what other fruit it sells, other than strawberries and watermelon.  

The watermelon was striped in two shades of green, and drew my attention.  I lusted after this piece of faux-fruit like none other.  Often as I passed it, bemoaning the lack of two quarters on my person, I would often swear "Someday...when I have two quarters...your ass will be MINE!"

But, then again, I shop late at night often.  With the other weirdos.

(Late at night I'm so much less likely to run into someone I know.  Esp. from high-school.  I hate those conversations.  For the record, if I haven't spoken to you in the past fifteen years, you're not entitled to a 30 second recap of my life in the hopes of comparing our experiences so you can walk away smug.  I don't care what you've been up to.  Yes, I do have some sort of affection due to commonality there, but for all I know you may have mutated into an evil nazi FUCK, and I'm not entirely sure about 'hanging'.  The fact is, making me do such a thing insults the totality of my experience, and, I hope yours.  So lay the fuck off.  You get a recap of my day, nothing else.  Be happy I don't piss on your leg and howl.)

So, Audrey and I bought some necessaries...and LO AND BEHOLD...yes.....

Dos Quatros.  Which is spanish for 'Two Fours', which really pertains to nothing.  My spanish is sooo fucked up.

I looked at the machine, and bemoaned to myself, yet again, "Someday...."

Stopping dead in my tracks and I peered intently at the machine.  Audrey preceeded out the door.

I rustled in my pocket.  Two fucking quarters.  Fucking SCORE.

"AND TODAY IS THAT DAY!"  I said loudly to no one in particular.  Audrey turned around to see me fixated on the gum machine.

"What?"  she asked, then came back.

I hurriedly put dos quatros in the machine and turned the knob.

A giant STRAWBERRY.  Double fucking score.

Quickly I explained the situation to Audrey, who embraced it with far less enthusiasm than I did.  As we walked into the parking lot, I put the large red object into my coat pocket, and she laughed.

"What are you going to do with it?"

What am I going to do?  I'm going to fucking frame it.  No, wait, I'm going to put it on a pedestal and place it on the mantel.

"I'm gonna' fuckin' EAT it."  I said, "But I have no idea how."

It was a daunting task.  It was large, red, and had surprising hull integrity.

Seriously, there was no real way to approach it.  So I just WENT at it.  With my mouth.

"Don't break your teeth," Audrey admonished me.

After gnawing fruitlessly, pun intended, for a good couple of minutes, I managed to crack the hull.  I chewed the tip off and munched contentedly.

"Was it everything you hoped it would be?"  Audrey mocked me.

"Everything...AND MORE!"  I replied.

I placed the rest of the husk of the gum on the dash of my car, down by the gear-shift, next to my tiny replica of Bob Goulet in a red jumpsuit.  (long story about Bob, but, know this-he eats your ass, as well as being a talisman of good travel.)

After awhile, I spit the gum out.  The next day, the hollow husk of pseudo-strawberry was still resting on the dash, next to Bob.

"You're not going to EAT that, are you?"  Audrey implored.

"Hell YES, I'm going to eat that."  

She just didnt understand the entire commitment I made to procuring faux-gum fruit, and the entirety of the lusting after it that went on.  Day after day of lusting after pseudo-fruit.  You have no idea.

"Arg,"  she said,"Its DIRTY.  Its just...not SANITARY."

Which is a weak spot for me.  She got me.  I can't abide by ingesting filth.  

Unless its porn.

So, a few days later, as I went to take a bycicle tire out of a tree that's on the way to the wildlife preserve that I go to, which is by the bay, I threw it out the window.

And that's my entire story...on the gum fruit.