I mean, really.  They're so informal.  So non-committal.

With a girl, right, you're penetrating a person.  That's a bit more personal from my point of view.  You need to trust a guy a little bit.  Lord only knows what's under his jagged, bitten off fingernails.  Some sort of space fungus who knows, you know?

But really, with a guy I mean, jerk him off.  What difference does it make.  None.  Its like shaking hands with the motherfucker. 

A little petting goes a long way.

Guys, I say we up the ante.  No longer should a girl evaluate us as kiss worthy when she accepts the proposition to go out, date, or "hang out", as they say in the parlance of our times. No.  No more.  They should evaluate us, on forgiving terms, for hand-jobs.

It should be de-riguere. The bar has been raised, at least in my personal estimation, that a guy shouldn't call a girl back unless he gets a kiss.  Bare minimum.

NO LONGER.

Hand jobs for everyone.  In public, in private, wherever.  And if a girl doesn't jerk you off the first time you hang out with her:  OFF THE LIST.  No callback for you.  You will die lonely and alone.

Its like its a lost art, and I have to bust into a mayan tomb to get a girl to jerk me off anymore.

Well, not really.  When its mutual, Audrey does a good job, like most girls.  But its not going to get me anywhere.  Oh fuck no.

Like the rest of the girls that I've dated, save one, Olivia (referred to as Lydia, dated her when I lived in Colorado), they've not a clue.  She was a master, or mistriss, if you prefer.  Blonde, extremely pretty.  Flighty.  I think she lied like a motherfucker to me.  She claimed to have only been with four guys, and I was the fourth, and made out with an even dozen.  Which I hope she was lying.  I had that way beat when I was nineteen.  And hell yes, Im bragging about it in every way possible.

No, she had it down.  Of course, the tradeoff isn't worth it.  I would never trade Audrey for that girl.  Never ever ever.

BUT STILL.

It amazes me that this skill has largely fallen by the wayside in these times of dangerous sex.  While, truthfully, there is a baseline uptick in the amounts of oral sex going on, and this is hugely appreciated, I still think there should be more sex in the world.  And hand jobs is where that philosophy comes to fruition.

Im not saying we should necessarily be like kanka-bono gorillas.  Or maybe I am.  They are a society without war and constant fucking.

Hell yes that's what I'm saying.  Jerk all us guys off constantly, so we will no longer have the testosterone necessary to kill each other en masse.

We should live in troupes.   And when a man is aggressive, anxious, or depressed, he should be IMMEDIATELY jerked off by any nearby females into sedation.  No guilt, no strings, just settle down.

I just want to end war.  That's all that I'm saying.

And heavy mass social petting is the solution.