All names have been obfuscated to protect the innocent.]

So. A reflection paper. �Reflections on what?� one might ask? Lessons learned? Growth opportunities actualized or missed? Or vapid thoughts a simplistic as an image on a still pond? Gee, I really don't know.

I feel free to use any conventional style I choose, and really, I'm a pretty good writer, so I think you'll pay attention, Mr. Xxxxxx. Its always something I've been really good at. Writing.

Well, I think I learned a lot. I grew both personally and professionally this semester. Maybe by leaps and bounds, maybe by baby steps. Its hard to say, and relativistic comparisons bore me. They mean nothing.

Still, I read an article the other day on CNN.com that was culled from some other

online periodical, about how positive and well liked people get promoted more quickly and are more successful than the back-stabbers and negative people, which was a bit of vindication at this late date. After all, sometimes I'm a little cynical and sarcastic, but really, I think I like people for the most part, their foibles included. I like to promote a positive atmosphere. I like to include people. I see people for what they are, but I also see what they want to be. I look for the good in people.

And the team I joined really needed my skills.

When I first sat down to interview with Charles xxxxxx, my supervisor, he was a tough read. A lot of good psychology students are. We play our cards close to our chest and can smell our own kind.

I sat through the interview, and I think I did pretty well. My accomplishments are strong, and I know what to say. Generally. He asked the classic questions.

�What are your strengths?� he asked.

�I can fit in and not make waves. I won't disrupt the team.� I said.

And I noticed his ears perk up at that comment. I only had rudimentary knowledge of the company for which I was interviewing.

�What is one weakness?� he inquired.

I hate that question. Really, who wants to give up a chink in the armor at this stage of the game? Hmm...what's the right answer? Give up a real bad flaw and you're out of the job. Give up nothing, and you're out of the job. Its a catch-22. Its a bum rap.

I fought the urge to say something smart. And I sure as hell didn't want to say �I'm too much of a perfectionist.� Because everyone says that. That's the supposed 'right answer'. Which is a dead giveaway that you're insincere. Besides, that's a tough act to maintain. At least for me. I'm not a perfectionist. Never was. A natural? Sure. But a perfectionist? No way.

I made up some mumbo-jumbo about not having enough confidence in my technical skills, because I know from long experience they'll pick someone they like and teach them the skills, rather than select someone for skills who was a real a-hole.

Pardon my language, Ron.

Charles kidded another guy who sat in on the interview, Dick Xxxx, about his Timex watch. Which I joined in on. It was kind of a bonding moment. The sharp young newbie paired with the salty old dog. Dick had a stern air about him, the kind of guy who might beat his dog, but only because he loved him. The kind of guy that needed to have daughters to soften him up, but never did. The overly stern sometimes are the easiest to figure out. You can tease them about things they don't think about and they sink into their shell. Its a legitimate exchange of male bonding.

So I kidded Dick about his cheap watch, and I have to wonder now if that's what got me the job. My sense of humor.

I started the job training with Elaine Xxxxx. She was remarkably helpful to start, but grew short with me after a few days. She made it plain she hated to train. And, being a squat woman with a newborn at home, hated to get up whenever I got a phone call. So, even though they said I could train for as long as I liked, I opted out quickly. Making a co-worker hate you was no way to get started.

Early on, the room was tense. I noticed it at first when I tried to make small talk or jokes. It was if they had no time to laugh, or, if they did, someone would report them. I wanted to try to change the atmosphere in the room. I've done it elsewhere. It usually doesn't take that long.

I didn't find out until later on that one of my co-workers Angela XXXXX was keeping a spreadsheet of whenever her coworkers came and went, and what they did. She was like poison in the room.

Still I tried early on, and failed. Tried chatting with some co-workers. Making polite jokes, that sort of thing. It usually only takes me a few weeks to bring up the mood. Not this time. The resistance was otherworldly. Kept my head down after that, following the advice of one of the departed techs, a real nice guy. Real tall drink of water, Greg Xxxxxx. He made a point to tell me, �When they get going, keep out of it. Keep your head down.�

Which I took to heart. I figured if I can't win someone over, then, hey, forget them. I'll be quiet learn my job, and go on my way. I dedicated some effort to learning what I needed to learn.

Sure, there were inevitable mistakes. And Angela went out of her way to make me pay for it. She kept summoning me over to her cubicle to point out my mistake and rub my nose in it, even after I admitted my mistake. Pure condescension.

Later on, as I got better and my stats for serial numbers obtained passed hers, she made sure Charles heard about it in team meeting. A fellow co-op, Justin, heard her first sally and rolled his eyes. I had only been working on my own for two weeks, meaning I was there for a month.

And Charles, I have to imagine, saw it all. Probably before I was even there. There was poison in the atmosphere at the Help desk.

Angela ruled the roost with a cold iron fist. The type of person that tries to find a flaw in another and harps on it. The type of person that tries to push your button, then proceeds to push it like a junkie in search of a fix. Relentless. Obese. Dark eyes like coal. Not a nice person. She watched me often. The stress got to me. I got two migraines in one week. Successive days. I was hating the job.

Then, one day, she was gone. A workstation tech had fallen out of a tree while deer hunting and broke his back. This gave Charles the impetus to promote the problem away, which proves the dictum: everyone will eventually be promoted to their level of incompetence. Or something.

She didn't want to go. She sulked like a child. But it did illustrate one thing to me: you can learn from everything. Which is something I can believe in. A person just has to search for it, even if its, like in this case, an example of What Not To Be.

Anyway, she was gone, and it took a little while, but the pall lifted from the room. I thought I was alone in my dislike for Angie, but I wasn't. As she walked out of the room, Elaine said behind her so she couldn't hear, �Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.�

But still I kept my head down. The stress eased, and I started to feel more like myself. I joked a little with the other guys in the room, Jaime and Justin, even if they didn't initially get my sense of humor.

There was another co-worker, Karen, who was incredibly high-strung. But I never backed down and was always nice to her. I felt some sort of jungle alliance with her, although I really can't say why. I suppose it was the time I spent as a social worker. I can read people like books. Instantly. I had to, working the slums of Detroit. I had to know who I was talking to, if they were lying, and what they were about. It was a serious affair, and other people's lives counted on it. So now its almost an unfair advantage. I could see all their insecurities. I could also see that there was a power vacuum in the room.

Elaine stepped into fill that, but that was fine. Another co-worker, on the second shift, seemed to share my sense of humor, and we spoke often after everyone left. She told me stories, which I heard oft repeated around the room, about flare ups and shouting matches between people at the help desk. About the poisonous atmosphere.

I think I was the first one to verbalize it. And it was to Jill, but repeated enough later so I'm sure it got around, that I didn't particularly care for the way Angie treated me. Like a child. I made it clear that she was just mean, and I didn't like mean people. I see no problem in calling a spade a spade. When the emperor has no clothes, I will say he's buck naked. Its not a problem.

And Jill concurred. Angie was terribly backstabbing, even to Karen and Elaine, her supposed friends. She picked on everyone in the room. She was a bully.

And now she was gone.

Slowly, Jill and I became friends, and in the group dynamic, that brought in the other three, Justin, and Jaime. (and Debbie, too, when she showed up) Only because, perhaps, I was always positive with them. Almost Pavlovian if you think of it. I suppose I chose to think of it as creating a positive atmosphere.

In the meantime, I was over at the front desk at the corporate center. They didn't give me any real duties, just tending the phones. So I studied. And I spoke with everyone that came along. Maybe out of sheer boredom, but maybe just to network.

I always chatted up the President of the company, Suzanne. I genuinely liked, and still do like Suzanne. I remember the first time I met her. I was standing in Brenda's office, the guru of HR (always always ALWAYS be nice to HR) and some music from the neighboring establishment was thumping through the building. Suzanne came in dancing awkwardly in a Caucasian manner and snapping her thumbs.

�Do you like the music?� she crowed.

I just looked at her. Brenda looked at me.

�N-no?� She said.

Suzanne tilted her head back and laughed a full throaty laugh. Then walked out of the room without saying a word.

So we would talk, and got on well. I got on well with everyone over there.

And eventually the tide turned at the help desk. I was focusing on creating a positive atmosphere, enjoying the people I work with, and concentrating on being the type of employee I would want on my team. I had been on the management end of things at one time. I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted on my team. Reliability and competence. Someone who ignores the petty things and just does the job. So what if you were late for taking your break? You were a part of a team, and there was a job to do. Being someone who brought up the mood was just a bonus.

Time went on, and new employees were added. From time to time I would chat up Karen and Elaine, and slowly worked them out of their silences. Karen was the easiest, a nice lady with a big heart and a passel of neuroses. Elaine is a single mother with her hands full. They both told me their life stories, and after awhile I think I was able to charm them a little.

Debbie came back to the help desk. A vivacious 47 year old woman, we got on well, and bantered back and forth from day one. Nate came along and no one liked him, but he's starting to pick up on the team atmosphere I've been trying to foster. With Nate, when he screws up, I always make sure if its something he needs to know, that I go over to his desk to tell him what to do in that instance.

Elaine and Karen still hold to a me-first sort of ethic, but are slowly coming around a little.

And, as it stands, perhaps in response to the clique that was here when I started, I created my own clique, out of the rest of the room. The disaffected and 'unhappy with being picked on' people. In short, the majority of the room.

I convinced Debbie not to move away from my desk, which prevailing ethic dictates that you want to be away from prying eyes of management and sequestered into a corner of the room. Something I changed. I sit in the middle of the room. People gather around me.

And the atmosphere changed powerfully when Justin abandoned his corner to move to a desk near mine. Symbols are powerful things, and people respond to that. Even if its animal stupid.

I got better at the job, and I raised the morale of the room to a great degree. I built up some of my co-workers, and tried to be the best employee I could be. I suppose, on reflection, I knew that was what I wanted to do all along, from day one. It was just the implementation that was tricky.

I suppose I could have networked better, or rather, maintained the networking I had done while over at corporate, which I don't do anymore.

We had a company wide meeting of the computer group awhile ago. Last quarter. Suzanne made some remarks and then there was pizza. Help desk showed up for the pizza.

Suzanne did her thing and was standing forlornly behind me. People were scared to approach her. To me, she was just 'anne.

�How are you doing?� I asked convivially.

�Not well, Arg,� she said.

�Why's that?� I asked.

�I didn't sleep well last night.� she said. And then was pounced upon by some other employee who finally saw their �in�, and proceeded to lecture her on Valerian root. Just what she needed to hear.

I grabbed some pizza and looked for a place to sit. There was no place to sit. Anywhere.

Over to the side was a fairly empty table. I pulled up a chair and sat down, not thinking much about it.

�You guys don't mind if I sit here, do you?� I asked.

�No, not at all,� the vice president said.

And then I realized I had sat at the Executive Table. No one sits with the execs. We are the untouchables. Our castes do not mix.

Shit. It suddenly became sink or swim time.

And I SWAM.

I was affable, making conversation easily. Drawing on all the things I had learned while over at corporate. Family names and histories. Things like that. And I was genuinely interested. I listen, its what I do. I used to be a group therapist. This type of stuff is easy for me.

A wave swept through the rest of the room. Co-workers looked at each other and muttered �Who the hell was this guy?� And there I was, making time with the higher ups like it was nothing. And it was.

I slyly managed to plug my resume in the conversation when a fellow DU student stopped by and said hello. I mentioned I was studying network security and the vice president was interested. He asked if it was a service that XXX could offer, and I said it was. It is. There's a lot of money in it. He asked if I had any experience in doing audits, and I told him that was my final project. This interested him, and he stated he wanted to go over it with me at the end of the semester in his office. As I left the meeting, he made sure to say goodbye to me and use my name.

I still have to follow up on that. I should have dropped a line before now, but really, my educational goals have been paramount. I suppose there's no real excuse for not sending an email or networking in that direction further, but I have solidified my base where I am. Its not as if I've wasted my time.

And, all-in-all, in reflection, I learned to budget my time and be productive at a level I haven't approached my entire life. And that's key. Squeezing productivity out of dead time is important, as well as knowing when to reign it in to make sure the body and mind have time to unwind and relax.

Which is something I hope to do after you finally get around to reading my paper, Mr. XXXXXX. I hope you give it an 'A'.

Why not. This was a mixture of reflection and journal.

Don't fight the urge. Give me an 'a'. After this semester, and what I accomplished in my co-op opportunity, I feel I deserve it.