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Troublesome
2005-01-04 - 11:45 p.m.


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I find I get into trouble with Audrey no matter what I do.


My mind wanders and flows.  It closely resembles an arid desert across which tumbleweeds of thoughts bounce across the landscape.  I have no control over this, and I'm not sure I'd want to if I could.


We were sitting at a dive bar up north.  The 'Hard Hat' bar, infamous in my mind for the time I went there and the waitress told me, "Every day is a good one when my feet hit the floor in the morning," then promptly died that night.  I read her obituary that weekend, and suspected her of haunting me for a couple of days either figuratively or literally.  Either way, I thought about her way too much.


Anyway, Audrey and I were sitting at the bar, and a particularly revolting, yet in a strange way amusing thought passed through my head.  Y'see, there was this one morbidly obese guy sittin' at the bar.  Purple shirt fit tight over his circular body.  No neck...


And a thought hits me, and I laugh...


"What?  What are you laughing about?" she asks.


"You dont want to know."


"What is it?"


"Its one of those things...I dont control my thoughts..."


"Now I REALLY want to know."


"No you don't."


"You can't do that.  Now I'll be mad if you don't tell me..."


I paused and took a drink of my diet coke.


"Okay.  I was thinking of you, me and the fat guy in the purple shirt sitting at the bar, going back to my place, letting him fuck you, and taking pictures of it.  All you'd see is your hands and feet struggling."


Now, of COURSE, I'd never let this happen.  It would disgust me on many levels, not the least of which would be hurting Audrey, which I do not want to do.  BUT, the horrible and revolting things my mind comes up with on a daily to hourly basis is staggering.  And there was some cartoonish warped humorous appeal to seeing anyone smothered by the bulk of his loving.  Christ, the man probably hadn't seen his penis in a decade.  And there would be Audrey, long legs and arms flailing about, struggling, to no avail...gasping for air, slapping his back in the standard 'pat-pat-okay-get-the-fuck-off-of-me-NOW' tapping.  Its funny...in an abstract way.


Needless to say, she was not amused.


"Tell me why I shouldn't dump your coke in your lap and walk out of here."


And I spent some quality time apologizing for sharing a repulsive thought that she bullied me into sharing.  Something I never would have mentioned otherwise, because I know at this stage of my life, normal people don't think these things, and are better off not knowing.


[C'mon..."Help!  Help!  Help meeeeee!" gasping for air, the subtle lowing of a fat man as he gets his lovin' on...'C'mon honey!  Make it SEXY!' I bark like a side-show huckster flashing light of the instamatic camera...and all you can see is hands, feet and a whole lotta' fat.  Yeah, I know, its a hard sell, but its not like I was going to DO it.   She could stand to lighten up a little bit.]


Then, a few weeks later, I was on the phone with Audrey.  I called her on my lunch break, good guy that I am.  It was just before New Years.


"If you have a cold, I'm not kissing you."  I said.


"I don't have a cold." she replied, sniffling, "Not even for New Year's?".


And I laughed.  A thought had struck me as funny.


"What?"


"Nothing."


"What?"


"You don't want to know."


"Now I REALLY want to know."

"No you don't."

"If you don't tell me, I'll get mad..."

"Well, I thought if I don't kiss you, I'm kissing SOMEBODY on New Year's."

"AUH!  I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT TO ME!"

You want me to lie to you?

"You can't get mad at me for something you bullied me into telling you.  Its like reading someone's personal diary and then getting mad about what you read."

Apparently, Audrey hadn't heard of my 'what happens on New Year's doesn't count' policy. 

"Still, you shouldn't be sayin' that." 

And I spent more quality time apologizing.  This has happened more than once, more often than I care to think about.

I think, for future reference, I should just keep my thoughts to myself.

 

 


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